I hate myself

for all the things i've done

I'm a guilty one,
And know what I have done.
Yeah, I'm a troubled one,
And I won't be forgiven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZFVXNBYdo0

I hate

how insecure I always feel

why am i so fucking tired all the time!?

bad dayyy

so stressed about coursework

really need money/a job

really wanna dye my hair

super worried about stourbridge college. people are being offered places and I haven't even finished my application yet

eurghhh
i hate bad days

and i hate it when parents just go on and on and on
and when there's a horrible atmosphere. the anger and coldness between them hangs thick in the air. it's so depressing. i hate it. and they snap away at each other all night, just building for a row. i feel like getting a divorce for them as they're obviously incapable of doing it themselves. it's like they'd rather be miserable yet together than be happy by taking a risk.... i hate them for being so cowardly.

sooo...

- zombie prom itself was pretty good. DJ played good music (kinks, beach boys, libertines) and the drinks were cheap and the beanbags were nice and so on and so forth
- hated that me and tom argued :( I don't like it when we argue, and i felt bad because (as usual) it was completely my fault. I was being unfair and irrational because I was drunk and now I can't help feeling awful about it :(
- we did make up though, and I got to spend some really nice time with him :) we slow danced to "what katy did", which is one of my favourite songs of all time and then we danced about to "you've really got me going" and "i get around".. we did proper silly dancing and had so much fun :) it was perfect <3 honestly one of the best times of my life (cheesy i know). And then we chilled on a sofa in the games room for a while :) it was lovely :)
- annoyed that I ended but damaging my heels, and really hurting my feet, and leaving the girls early, and spending £18
- kinda happy i made the decision to go back to jon's though, he is lovely and i enjoyed hanging out with the guys :) and it was nice being able to sleep next to tom after all <3
- i met some lovely people too :) i really got to know them a bit better which was nice :) and me and laurie had a chat and she doesn't hate me (Y) which is nice to know :) it kinda showed me that i'd been stressing too much over it and that I shouldn't have been so nervous about meeting them because they were seriously all so lovely :)
- overall, good night :)

- feeling better about life than i did friday night

- stressing about college work though.. honestly have no idea how i'm gonna get any of it done in time :/
- general studies exam tomorrow. an absolute waste of important time I could be using to do coursework -.- eurgh

- still so tired and hungover, i reckon it's gonna take me till tuesday to shake this
night
E xxx

fucking fed up

-haven't seen tom in ages... really feel like he's not making an effort
-yet another corset that doesn't fit right
-parents being assholes

so fed up

really want a boob job already too. can't stop thinking about how i could get money for it asap
and really want nice hair
i'm just gonna dye it anyway... at this rate tom won't even see it to complain

been so discontent with life all week, everything's just got to me this evening. and i feel SHIT

a friend of mine died today

everything else is insignificant

drive on...

BOOKED MY HAIR CUTTT :D eee, very excited :D
Monday at 4.30 (Y) with 'Jess'... she better be good -.-
I've also decided i'm going to dye it lighter to match the colour that kate moss has in the photos :)

I'm finally better! :D still sniffy but not too sniffy to go out tonight :) so happy to be getting out the house. It's Tom's first gig at a friends party so i'm looking forward to seeing that and another friends birthday at a local pub that i'll be popping into at some point during the night :)
No idea what to wear though D:

On the clothes/shoes topic, here's an update:
I ordered some boots, see here >
which arrived yesterday. They are absolutely GORGEOUS on. They make my feet look really small and pretty :) the only problem is that they are VERY high... too high really. I can walk in them (precariously) and probably dance in them but they REALLY hurt... just standing still in them as soon as you put them on, before you've even started walking :/
Sooo, i've ordered some others instead. They're not as pretty looking but they're still nice and very similar to the first pair and... the heel is half and inch smaller. I know half an inch isn't much but i'm hoping that it'll make the shoes just a little comfier *fingers crossed* If it makes no difference then obviously i'll send the 2nd pair back and keep the prettier ones :)
We'll seee...
I'm still waiting on the corset too. Oh update on that: I went on ebay and found loads (not as nice but still quite pretty) that have a much more realistic bust to waist ratio... the best ratio for me would be 8 and i've found ones that have a ratio of between 6 and 8 (Y) So if this new 22" one isn't gonna work then i can always turn to ebay :)

See yas
E xxx

urgh..

i hate it when i get in a shit mood about my body
i just feel really crap about myself

cannot WAIT till i earn enough money to buy myself some boobs

so the plan didn't exactly work out...

i think when writing that plan last night i'd forgotten how horribly horribly ill i am
i woke up this morning feeling like i was about to die... and looking like it too
so no booking of a haircut or going out :( which is really annoying :(
on the upside, i did get some graphics work done (used the window as a light box (Y)) and i won my sequined hot pants on ebay :D
also, my corset arrived today, which i was very chuffed about... i got in on and it's real nice :) the only MASSIVE problem is it doesn't fit me up top because of my stupidly small bosom D': it makes me really sad. i thought the corset would emphasise them and make me feel better about them when actually all it's done is just show how disproportionally small they really are :( in order to get a corset that'll fit my bust i've gotta get a 22" waisted one.. which is ridiculous. i reckon i could get my waist down to 24 but never 22! it's just frustrating.
I've looked into getting other corsets that don't have such huge differences between they're bust and waist measurements but they're all either fashion corsets, ugly ones, or very expensive ones. I can't seem to find any proper ones that are pretty and no more than £40 D:
I'm also considering getting an underbust corset instead to wear under clothes... but i'm not sure :/ i might just give up on corsets all together for now and wait till i'm older with breast implants (hopefully)
Anyway, i've gone ahead and ordered the 22" inch one to see how that fits but tbh I can see myself sending them both back and giving up on corsets for now :(

Night xxx

SORTING MY LIFE OUT

been stuck inside for too long
tonight i just thought "you know what, screw this"
I'm not moping around the house feeling sorry for myself any longer.
Screw having a sore throat and being down and upset about Tom (i should explain.. we've had another argument).. i'm supposed to be sorting my life out!
So, in honour of my revelation, tomorrow I will be not just venturing out the house for days but doing oh so much more. Let me elaborate...
I will get up and ready nice and early in order to get a lift to college with my mother.
I shall spend my fist two frees doing the graphics work that I should have done over christmas... here comes an hour and a half of being stooped over a light box (Y)
then i will stop slaving away over the not hot at all light box just a smige early in order to settle myself at a computer/on my phone so i can bid for my lovely sequin hotpants that I have found :D if i don't get them i swear to god... might bid on them early in the morning just incase I forget/page is blocked on silly college computers/can't get internet on my phone
I will then continue my college day in my normal studious manner before making my way to my nan's for tea where I will do further work as well as paint my nails
Then I will be venturing out in a skirt/dress and heels to go to river rooms :)

Oh god, i almost forgot.. I will also book a haircut somewhere during my hectic day :D I know just how i want it now.... i found a picture to show so they can't misunderstand what i'm trying to tell them (as hairdressers usually do).... anyway it's kate moss... looookkk...

I want it just like this but with a little bit of a thicker fringe and just a smidgin longer :D (who knew smidgin was a real word eh!? :P)

Anyway, i should get sleep now for my busy day tomorrow :)
Night night,
E xxx

Thank god

I think me and Tom are gonna be ok
(after all that below)

He appeared out of the blue (i was in my dressing gown, with no make up on and dirty hair D:) with the intention of breaking up with me :(
We sat for a bit.. then he read my facebook message.. we talked, cried, made promises, and we made up. Things were ok. We laughed and joked about and ate ice cream. It was lovely really but i'm too scared to feel properly happy about it incase something happensss. I feel so grateful to have him, i don't ever wanna lose him.

Happy :) but anxious :/

Imma try get some sleep now
Night x

I'm just so fucking brilliant at relationships

Is Tom my soulmate? I know i shouldn't be thinking about such thing since i've just completely screwed things up with him but i keep thinking about it.
I always think that Tom's different to anyone else I know. There's something special to me about him. Does that make him my soulmate? Or have i just never got this close to anyone else before? Maybe when you're with someone for as long as we have been then this is always how you feel? Maybe there's no such thing as a soulmate? I'd love to think that. Especially since, if you do only have one soulmate, i think i've just royally screwed things up with mine. I can't help but feel like I'll never find someone who will compare to Tom. I'll never be as happy with anyone else as I was with Tom.
Maybe I'm just being all pessimistic and cynical, i mean I was happy with Elliot.
But not as happy as I was with Tom
(god, i'm starting to sound like a schizophrenic)
Somehow i just get the feeling i'm not gonna be as happy as I was with Tom again for a very very long time....
Lonely, depressed, desperate single life here I come (Y) fucking brilliant.

(beeteadubs, incase you're confused, the title was sarcastic)

Good bye Tom,

I'm so sorry

CORSETCORSETCORSET

Just went back to the website to look at my lovely new corset...

which is very pretty... BUT, to my complete dismay, THEY'VE ADDED MORE TO THE SALEEE D: about 50 more beautiful corsets for the same price :( really wish i'd have waited... wanting this one instead now:

<3
I'd email and ask them to change it but they've already dispatched it :/
Unless, I buy this one too, and then send the first one back when it get here.... but do I really want this one that much more? Ahhh, i hate decisions! D:


Just went back to look lovingly at it some more only to see that they don't have my size in stock! WAAAAAA D':
I have emailed them about it though so fingers crossed :)

...

such crazy/horrible dreams last night :(

New Years Resolution Number 1...

Sort my life out...
Beginning tomorrow i'm going to sort my life out. This includes:
- Getting a job (seriously need the money)
- Making sure I use the chance of getting a good night's sleep wisely. I just never seem to have any energy anymore. And i need energy if i'm going to be sorting my life out.
- Book a haircut - my hair is HORRIBLE atm! it's all heavy and too long, and my fringe is just ridiculous.
- If i'm still not happy with my hair after cutting, i might also dye it a new colour... not sure what colour yet but i'm very bored of this colour... i'm thinking either a lighter, brighter blond, or a dark brown with a red or purple hint to it... definitely swaying towards the dark optionss... we'll see.
- Be good at college. I need to knuckle down and actually work... i haven't done half the work i was meant to over this holiday D:
- Be good at relationships. And make sure I know exactly what I want.
- And lastly, don't hold back... i want to be more impulsive (obviously not with decisions concerning my relationships but..) with decisions on going out, buying clothes, going to festivals, etc. I always hold back on doing things and then regret it. I've done well with this one today. I've bought a corest (something i've always, always wanted. I'm so excited to finally have one! :D) and i've finally bought a good pair of heels to wear out regularly :) (seee.. thinking about my previous point about going out more... clever eh ;))

Buttt i'm gonna approach things differently this year.. i can't do all of these at once. I know if i try to, i'll fail and then forget about them all buy the end of the month. Instead i'm just going to focus on a couple at a time.. sort them and only then move on to others. I think it'll be a much more effective method :) and maybe add more things to change as the year goes on. Like "New Month's Resolutions" :)

So, first things, this months focuses will be:
- Get a hair cut
- Get a job
- Be good at college

We'll see how they go.... wish me luck! :)
xxx

2010, the good and the bad

January
- lazy day with Tom - we built a fort and watched charlie and the chocolate factory (the good one) and cat in a hat and had a bath and it was truly lovely <3

February
- was really close with sm (and abbie... i miss her) around this time, at the start of the year, free's playing slam and four weddings/jerry springer day's at sm's were lovely <3

March
- the break-up with Tom, not a good time at all...

April
- the infamous party at dan's when Tom got with Lou - one of the worst nights of my life. And after that everything had changed within the group.. all the guys had left and things just weren't the same.

June
- my confidence had never been so low and i did some terrible terrible things - Jake and Liam were the main ones - i will never forgive myself for those nights, i'll never be able to forget them.. something i read on a friend's tumblr really hit home - "Everything you have done this year, and in past years, will stick with you for the rest of your life." FML

August
-probably the best month of the year for me <3 - i was with tom, we were getting on well, the weather was lovely, going back to Looe with him was wonderful and reading was the best 5 days of my life <3 brilliant brilliant time

October
- this october half term just did not compare to the last one... hardly any party's and mine was baddd compared to last years :/ it was good in the sense that I'd become close enough with the girls for us to all book a holiday together though :)

November/December
- the last two months were awful overall (yeh xmas, and the victorian market with Tom was nice but..) i just keep messing things up. I hate myself for it. Why do i do it? I hate myself... nothing will be right again, not for long anyway.... i just can't bear it..... sometimes i wish everything would just go way... i wish i could go away,,, leave all of this behind me. I'm so fucking upset, and it's all my own stupid fault.