"ow you always do stuff that i would never do to you" oh really? and you never do stuff to me that i would never do to you? He thinks he's such a fucking saint and i'm like the nastiest girlfriend ever who might cheat on him at the first opportunity she gets
so mad right now
what the hell is his problem?
and he acts so fucking dumb about it too
"oh you know that kaz girl, or caroline or whatever her name is, i don't really know" as if she's nothing to him.... yeah right, you probably don't know her name properly because you're too busy ogling her at any given chance you get
fucks sake, i feel like going and liking some picture of an attractive guy friend of mine, except i don't even have any
god, i need to go out more and meet some more people
maybe if we're both ogling at others i might not feel so fucking betrayed.
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Thursday 22 November 2012
and now i can't sleep and feel like shit
and i can't stop thinking about how much i want a boob job and how that maybe things would just magically be better if i had bigger boobs
eurgh i just feel so fucking shit
eurgh i just feel so fucking shit
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Thursday 15 November 2012
the really sad thing is
that i have kept this post in my tumblr drafts for about the last 8 months because i knew that sooner or later it would become relevant
fucking hell
can't think about anything else
i feel like he's just stringing me along until he works out what to do/the best way to break up with me
he says he wouldn't do that to me, but i know how hard it is the hurt the person you love, and how easy it is to just not say anything.... i've had it done to me and i've done it to other people
i feel like i should just help him out by breaking it off myself
or at least suggesting we should go on a break so he can decide what he wants. although the sad reality of that is that i know it wouldn't be me.
i thought being here would help but it's only making things worse
he's different in front of his friends, kind of loud and arrogant and i don't like it at all. it's also made me realise how important going out is to him... and i feel lied to because he always used to say "oh i agree with you, i don't find going to clubs and getting drunk appealing any more."...... his opinion on that subject has obviously changed. and he gets drunk whenever he goes out. i get drunk for the first time in months and he reacts like i've changed into the fucking antichrist or something. eurgh.
and more than that, me being here is just showing up how bored of me/unattracted to me he is. like we've hardly had sex at all. we did the first day but since then we've only had it once and that was only because i bought it up and said that i felt like we hadn't had sex because he was losing interest. so i felt like he only did it to reassure me, not because he actually wanted to. and it felt awkward, like it was forced.
and then last night, i tried to make an extra effort to make myself look attractive. I thought, stupidly, that if i did my hair and make-up nice (even though i never usually bother with make-up if we're staying in or going to bed) that maybe it would rekindle things. fuck that. i might as well have just not even been here. he spent the whole evening playing video games with tim. then when he came into his room i got undressed and got into bed while he went had a shower. when he came out i thought there was hope for something as he joked around while he was naked for a bit. but no, he put his boxers on, went and turned the lights off and got into bed. He snuggled up close for a moment, then just said goodnight, and rolled over and went to sleep......
i felt so fucking shit and unloved. i felt like i might as well not even be there. it's not about the sex, it's about being wanted. and i felt so unwanted after that. like he was just so bored of me. i almost felt like getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor since i just felt like i was in the way, something that he helped make very clear during the night when, while i was wide awake, feeling lonely and uncomfortable, teetering on the edge of the bed, he kept saying move over, could you give me some more room, or just pushing me away from him and closer to the edge.
i don't know what to do
i don't wanna sit around while he makes up his mind. becasue the longer i wait the more it's gonna hurt and the more shit about myself i'll feel
should i suggest we have a break? to give each other some space and see how we feel?
but then what if he realises how easily he could get on without me.... but maybe that's a good thing, at least then we could both move on with our lives. it's no good us forcing ourselves to stay together if deep down we're doubting it. i don't want him to stay with me out of pity or routine. i don't want him to stay with me if he has doubts. because i can tell he does and it hurts me so much.
i feel like we just need to end it now while the going is good. before he really does fall for one of his friends, and before i lose all self esteem and self worth, because we both know how that story ends and i don't want to go back there again.
i suppose that's it decided then.
if things still feel the way they do now at the end of the week then we need to have a break.
fuck
i feel like he's just stringing me along until he works out what to do/the best way to break up with me
he says he wouldn't do that to me, but i know how hard it is the hurt the person you love, and how easy it is to just not say anything.... i've had it done to me and i've done it to other people
i feel like i should just help him out by breaking it off myself
or at least suggesting we should go on a break so he can decide what he wants. although the sad reality of that is that i know it wouldn't be me.
i thought being here would help but it's only making things worse
he's different in front of his friends, kind of loud and arrogant and i don't like it at all. it's also made me realise how important going out is to him... and i feel lied to because he always used to say "oh i agree with you, i don't find going to clubs and getting drunk appealing any more."...... his opinion on that subject has obviously changed. and he gets drunk whenever he goes out. i get drunk for the first time in months and he reacts like i've changed into the fucking antichrist or something. eurgh.
and more than that, me being here is just showing up how bored of me/unattracted to me he is. like we've hardly had sex at all. we did the first day but since then we've only had it once and that was only because i bought it up and said that i felt like we hadn't had sex because he was losing interest. so i felt like he only did it to reassure me, not because he actually wanted to. and it felt awkward, like it was forced.
and then last night, i tried to make an extra effort to make myself look attractive. I thought, stupidly, that if i did my hair and make-up nice (even though i never usually bother with make-up if we're staying in or going to bed) that maybe it would rekindle things. fuck that. i might as well have just not even been here. he spent the whole evening playing video games with tim. then when he came into his room i got undressed and got into bed while he went had a shower. when he came out i thought there was hope for something as he joked around while he was naked for a bit. but no, he put his boxers on, went and turned the lights off and got into bed. He snuggled up close for a moment, then just said goodnight, and rolled over and went to sleep......
i felt so fucking shit and unloved. i felt like i might as well not even be there. it's not about the sex, it's about being wanted. and i felt so unwanted after that. like he was just so bored of me. i almost felt like getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor since i just felt like i was in the way, something that he helped make very clear during the night when, while i was wide awake, feeling lonely and uncomfortable, teetering on the edge of the bed, he kept saying move over, could you give me some more room, or just pushing me away from him and closer to the edge.
i don't know what to do
i don't wanna sit around while he makes up his mind. becasue the longer i wait the more it's gonna hurt and the more shit about myself i'll feel
should i suggest we have a break? to give each other some space and see how we feel?
but then what if he realises how easily he could get on without me.... but maybe that's a good thing, at least then we could both move on with our lives. it's no good us forcing ourselves to stay together if deep down we're doubting it. i don't want him to stay with me out of pity or routine. i don't want him to stay with me if he has doubts. because i can tell he does and it hurts me so much.
i feel like we just need to end it now while the going is good. before he really does fall for one of his friends, and before i lose all self esteem and self worth, because we both know how that story ends and i don't want to go back there again.
i suppose that's it decided then.
if things still feel the way they do now at the end of the week then we need to have a break.
fuck
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Monday 5 November 2012
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