Saturday 29 October 2011
Thursday 27 October 2011
Wednesday 26 October 2011
i was so wrong about him :)
he's not like that at all
and after talking to him, and spending yesterday with him i feel so stupid for thinking he was
he is such a lovely guy
and he's just as insecure and worried about everything as i am
yesterday was so so nice <3 i really feel like we're getting to know each other more and more and we're getting closer and it's so lovely :) we went for a walk along the common and ate ice creams, and then went to his and i met his family and had dinner there and they're all really nice :) and i care about him and the best thing is that i think he really cares for me too. he kept saying how much he likes me and at one point he said "you're amazing. i know that's tragically cliche but it's true" :)
and more than that, i don't feel like there's any pressure for us to do anything. yesterday, if there was anything i was slightly unsure about or not comfortable with, straight away, he was like "it's okay, we don't have to"
he makes me feel safe and happy and it's lovely
i'm just worried about it going wrong. i'm worried about getting hurt, but more than that, i'm terrified of hurting him. i hurt TB so much, and he didn't deserve any of it. I don't wanna hurt Tom at all... he means so much to me <3
and after talking to him, and spending yesterday with him i feel so stupid for thinking he was
he is such a lovely guy
and he's just as insecure and worried about everything as i am
yesterday was so so nice <3 i really feel like we're getting to know each other more and more and we're getting closer and it's so lovely :) we went for a walk along the common and ate ice creams, and then went to his and i met his family and had dinner there and they're all really nice :) and i care about him and the best thing is that i think he really cares for me too. he kept saying how much he likes me and at one point he said "you're amazing. i know that's tragically cliche but it's true" :)
and more than that, i don't feel like there's any pressure for us to do anything. yesterday, if there was anything i was slightly unsure about or not comfortable with, straight away, he was like "it's okay, we don't have to"
he makes me feel safe and happy and it's lovely
i'm just worried about it going wrong. i'm worried about getting hurt, but more than that, i'm terrified of hurting him. i hurt TB so much, and he didn't deserve any of it. I don't wanna hurt Tom at all... he means so much to me <3
Monday 24 October 2011
oh no :(
i'm scared
tom seems to have got it into his head that it's a given that we're gonna have sex at the soonest possible moment
i don't want that...
now i'm worrying that maybe that's all he wants me for
has my slut reputation reared it's ugly head again? is he only going along with it because he thinks i'm an 'easy' way to lose his virginity?
he text me something really sexual, totally out of the blue earlier... i mean maybe if we had actually had sex and we both been texting in a flirtatious way then it wouldn't have been so bad... but it was so weird... i didn't like it at all and now i don't know how i feel or what i think
and i'm worried and scared and sad because i thought he was a nice guy and now i'm not so sure
i want romance and innocent playfulness. i want to take things slow and make sure we really know and care about each other before we have sex, IF we have sex at all, is that so much to ask?
and yeh i might like it rough and passionate but i like it meaningful too, and i get the feeling that tom is gonna see it as fucking, in the bluntest sense of the word....
ooo :( i'm so fed up.... :'(
tom seems to have got it into his head that it's a given that we're gonna have sex at the soonest possible moment
i don't want that...
now i'm worrying that maybe that's all he wants me for
has my slut reputation reared it's ugly head again? is he only going along with it because he thinks i'm an 'easy' way to lose his virginity?
he text me something really sexual, totally out of the blue earlier... i mean maybe if we had actually had sex and we both been texting in a flirtatious way then it wouldn't have been so bad... but it was so weird... i didn't like it at all and now i don't know how i feel or what i think
and i'm worried and scared and sad because i thought he was a nice guy and now i'm not so sure
i want romance and innocent playfulness. i want to take things slow and make sure we really know and care about each other before we have sex, IF we have sex at all, is that so much to ask?
and yeh i might like it rough and passionate but i like it meaningful too, and i get the feeling that tom is gonna see it as fucking, in the bluntest sense of the word....
ooo :( i'm so fed up.... :'(
Sunday 16 October 2011
sorted my room out a bit more today
and it looks lovely :)
i now have a double bed :D but also an awful lot of stuff with nowehere to go :/ need to invest in somesort of bookcase/cupboard type thing
i now have a double bed :D but also an awful lot of stuff with nowehere to go :/ need to invest in somesort of bookcase/cupboard type thing
Saturday 15 October 2011
Thursday 13 October 2011
today was even nicer :)
we held hands round town and kissed and things and then at the end of the day i got let out late and was sad cuz i knew he'd have gone home already but i got downstairs and there he was. "i was waiting for you. i know i'm not giving you a lift or anything, i just wanted to see you" he said <3 and we hugged and we kissed and it was lovely :)
work was short and funny
also discovered some wonderful music tonight. foster the people. birdy. king charles <3
and decided i'm gonna get tumblr. not instead of this, just as well as.
hmmm very content at the moment :)
work was short and funny
also discovered some wonderful music tonight. foster the people. birdy. king charles <3
and decided i'm gonna get tumblr. not instead of this, just as well as.
hmmm very content at the moment :)
Tuesday 11 October 2011
feeling good :)
college today was nice - and by that i mean the 30 minutes i spent with Tom in the library was nice :) i'm really happy with him atm. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when he left college and made me smile like a total derp :) and Fred told me that the 'way he talks about' me sounds like he really likes me. Apparently the reason TB texting me got to him so much is cuz he's worried i'm gonna go back to him. It was really nice to know he cared that much <3 happy happy happy :) and might be going to the cinema with him tomorrow :)
work was good too. it was pretty quiet so we all had a laugh which was really fun :) and i got two weeks worth of pay :D yayyyy. feelin' rich :))
work was good too. it was pretty quiet so we all had a laugh which was really fun :) and i got two weeks worth of pay :D yayyyy. feelin' rich :))
Monday 10 October 2011
Tuesday 4 October 2011
i feel really weird
i have this constant feeling of worry which is making me feel sick
and i still feel slightly hungover... i keep forgetting things i've said, written and read... it's really odd
i think part of it is fear
i'm so scared of messing up again
and i'm more scared because i don't know how not to fuck things up
i don't wanna mess anyone around anymore
i'm just scared of hurting people and ending up feeling alone
feeling pretty lonely right now as it is :/
i need to see SM, she'd know how to cheer me up, i miss her :((
and i still feel slightly hungover... i keep forgetting things i've said, written and read... it's really odd
i think part of it is fear
i'm so scared of messing up again
and i'm more scared because i don't know how not to fuck things up
i don't wanna mess anyone around anymore
i'm just scared of hurting people and ending up feeling alone
feeling pretty lonely right now as it is :/
i need to see SM, she'd know how to cheer me up, i miss her :((
Monday 3 October 2011
it's funny really
but, even with all the shit it's caused, i can't help but smile when i look at that photo :)
i guess that has something to do with me being emotionless and insensitive and heartless and what not
i guess that has something to do with me being emotionless and insensitive and heartless and what not
How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away
sometimes i wonder if i actually have a mental problem
how do i not feel emotions like other people do?
how can i just block out the terrible things i do?how is the fact that i made the guy i love hate me not causing me to break down?
i don't know what's wrong with me
how can i be such a heartless bitch?
Sunday 2 October 2011
got to remember
that there are a lot of people a hell of a lot worse off than me
i've really got to start thinking of all the good things i have rather than focussing on the things i haven't got
i've really got to start thinking of all the good things i have rather than focussing on the things i haven't got
feel like absolute shit
and know i've gone and totally messed up again,
i've lost him for good this time i know it
i've lost him for good this time i know it
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