did i say too much, did i say enough, i don't know

fed. up.
really fed up
i was in a bad mood last night, n all day today. n still am. lovely
eurgh

basically it's the same old same old
stupid bloody ex boyfriend
i've seen him flirting and blatantly showing interest in other girls. which in nice. it really gets my down. and then i get even more down cuz i really shouldn't fucking care anymore.... it's been 2 and a half months ffs.
eurgheurgheurgh
i feel like crying
and as if that's not enough there's more.. there's always more
he's become a complete douche in front of his new friends.. which angers me to see because he's not being himself and from where i'm stood it just looks pathetic
PLUS, he always used to have a go at me for "changing" in front of my friends..which i didn't.. yeh maybe i was a bit louder.. but he's like a completely different person... one i really dislike

now, this, all the above, i wouldn't mind if he stuck at it,
if he was always and only interested in other girls
spent all his time with his new friends
and always acted like a douche

yeh i'd be sad to leave him behind but at least i'd be able to
it's the way he still acts with me... not like a douche but like the person i know him, and unfortunately still love him, as
and the way he's all caring.. yeh it's nice but it makes it harder to let him go
and the whole "staying close friends" thing... i really don't like i can handle it
he's invited me to go round his on saturday to spend the day together,
initially i said yes but i really don't know if it's a good idea atm
although i want to go because i really do enjoy spending time with him... the longer we stay close, the longer it's gonna take for me to get over him and i don't want to feel like this anymore

and now i'm crying. great.

what should i do? should i say something to him? or just cut him off??
i really hate this

see, in my head it's still tuesday ^^^^

crazy huh?

:)

the cake came out good :D
although it took 50 minutes to cook -.- it's supposed to take 20 :/ but it tastes good :)
the chocolate chips were a good idea :D i didn't bother with the chocolate topping though... or the rice crispy cakes... meh, what can i say, i'm lazy :)
i'm feeling quite content tonight :) not overly happy.. just content :)
i am extremely tired though.. i really should be tucked up in bed asleep by now, but i can't go to bed until i've used the bathroom, and i can't use the bathroom until my stupid brother (who has been in there for easily almost an hour...yes an hour -.-) get outs :@ grrr

anddd, i have little stretch marks appearing on my inner thighs D: i noticed today while i was revising (also know as sunbathing) on the trampoline today (cuz i'm on STUDDDYYY LEAVEEE nowww :D :D :D it's awesome incase you were wondering) so i had to ask my mum to pick me up some cocoa butter (the stuff for pregnant ladies) on the way home in the hope of reducing them :/
they are very little though so i'm not tooo stressed :)

anywayss, my brother has finally removed himself from the bathroom, which meannnnnsssss... i can go to bed now :D yay, sleep FTW......haha, i'm so lame :')
night you guyzz
E xxx

always should be someone you really love...

i'm making a cake to cheer myself up :)
tbh i feel a lot better anyway... i dunno... i think i upset myself last night.. i mean it's not like i wasn't upset, i was, but i don't think i helped myself - i listened to coldplay for gods sake!
so yeh... i'm making a cake to take up time i could be using for revision.. clever eh? ;)
and i've so far succeeded in doing everything in the wrong order, making a very large mess and almost blowing up the microwave (Y) wonderful, i know.
it's gonna be a chocolate chip one :) with chocolate topping... maybe :)
i might make some chocolate rice crispy cakes aswell :)

i'll report back later perhaps with a photo :)
see yas
E xxx

fix me?

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

and it was all yellow..

and after a good few days i've come crashing back down
i'm listening to coldplay.... that's how bad it is
my ex sent me a message asking if i missed him...
as if i wouldn't be

oh god, it's real bad.

i told him exactly how i felt
and he just replied saying "you're amazing, don't forget it, no-one will ever compare to you"
i said "if no-one will ever compare to me then why did you let me go"
"because it just didn't work" he said, as if that's a perfectly acceptable reason
surely if you were to meet someone like no other, someone no-one else could compare to, you'd make it work? or maybe that's just me...

breakfast in bed, kisses for me

photo of the gorgeous shoes mentioned below :) i want them so badly

been feeling a lot better recently :)

study leave starts today :D i'm so happy :)) no college for 4 weeks... apart from exams :/ lol.
N got some good stuff planned already. HUGE party at a friends on the 3rd of June and then going up to Edinburgh with friends on the 17th :)) s'gonna be gurdd :)
i'm off to a friends for a comfy film night this evening and then tomorrow i've planned to makes a cakes/multiple cakes of some sort :P as i've had a large craving for cake recently :P and tomorrow night i'm off to a get together of my old school friends... some of whom i haven't seen in almost a year.. at a friends :) so that'll be nice :)

Also, i wanna talk to you guys about TOPSHOP MAKE-UP! I was so excited when this came out! :D how good does it look?!?!? :D
Personally i've got Blush in Flush, Lips in Brighton Rock, Polish in Smoothie and multiple nail colours on my wishlist :)
Annd these shoess from office:
http://www.office.co.uk/womens/office/nature_leg_tie/60/8855/23176/1/
mm i have so much want for these :))

right i'm off... see ya later my loves :) xxxx

with toothpaste kisses

having one of those days again
i keep crying
why can't i just not cry?
why can't i get over him?
what's wrong with me?
i hate this
i hate this so much

:)

Today's Been A Good Day :)

sometimes i wonder, has he changed, or did i never really know him in the first place?

i wanna erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week

i just found this in a post from the end of January:

"I was just thinking back to this morning. It was so nice waking up and having him holding me. And then later on when we were just messing around, you know being silly, and just having a laugh together. That's what i love about being with him :)
Hmmm.. when things are bad they're real bad but when things are good they're so good :)"

That's what i miss. I remember that night. We waited in the snow for my Dad to pick us up. He gave me his coat and held me close as the snow came down. It was such a nice moment.
And that last sentence truly sums up what things are like in my life :/

i'm not suicidal, i just can't get out of bed

well i'm feeling shite.

i'm ill - i've got a chest infection, and a stupid, ugly, painful, itchy scalp after having an allergic reaction to dying my hair last week :( and all my glands are up (4 in total) and they look horrible :(

i'm feeling odd again, i dunno, maybe it's just cuz i'm ill...
sometimes i feel like someone who's bi-polar, or a drug addict or something ... i have good days and bad days. today's gonna be a bad day i can tell.

the ex might be coming over...probably not though as i don't think he can get a lift here, and no buses run on a sunday :/
i dreamt about him last night. i dreamt that he made me believe he wanted me again (physically) n then when we went upstairs and got into bed he just got up and left me there... ha, talk about history repeating itself.. it was just more broken promises.
i'm missing him again... or am i? oh i don't know, it's so difficult. maybe i'm just missing being loved?
i know i have my family, and my friends but it's not the same. i've got no one to hold me when i'm feeling down, and tell me they love me, and that everything will be ok. i've got no one to cuddle me when i'm cold, i've got no one to lie with me while we watch a film, i've got no chest to lie on when i sleep, i've got no one to love me physically, to tell me i'm beautiful, and make me feel wanted. it's difficult to feel confident when you don't feel wanted.

i think today is gonna be one of my quiet thinking days, i need it
E xxx