i feel like i'm being an insensitive bitch
but i've tried for so so long to not let it bother me
it's not fair to keep pretending that it's not an issue
Sunday 15 July 2012
i miss this
http://tomallportresearch.tumblr.com/post/20650881149/as-cheesy-as-this-may-sound-this-girl-means-the
we were so happy, so effortlessly happy
i wanna go back there and experience that again
why do i keep having doubts, what's wrong with me? :(
is it because i've had my "forever" demolished before? am i trying to end it before he gets the chance?
for a while i did honestly believe in love, and forever, even marriage
i'm not so sure now
i don't know why, or exactly when, but i've lost that belief somehow, i still believe in love, i'm in love, i can feel that's real, but i'm not so sure about the forever bit
i want it to be real
really really want it to be, but it's almost like i'm so scared that it won't be that i'm just trying to give in now... what's the expression? cut my losses? i dunno.....
there's so much i want to do with him
i can see us living together, having our own little apartment together with white walls and wooden floors and a big bed. sitting and cuddling, watching films, eating chinese, painting, doing the place up together, like our own little project,
i can see us traveling, oh i'd love to go traveling with him. backpacking around europe. road-tripping around america in a old beat-up campervan, spending months, years, driving round doing work here and there, making memories. i'd love to drive up in to canada, go on walks through the national parks, through the forests and the mountains and the lakes and stay in a wood cabin and go and meet his family that live over there
i can see us growing old together. looking back on our lives together while we sit by the fire in our arm chairs with our cardigans on, and our white hair. when i used to work at the golf club and i used to see the old couples dancing together, i'd see it as me and him and i'd smile....
now i almost feel naive for letting myself dream that far.... i still smile when i think of it because it is a lovely thought but then i feel instantly sad because i feel like we'll never get there
there's one thing i keep thinking "i wish i'd met him after uni".
although the past 9 months with him have been absolutely, undeniable wonderful, i wish i'd met him after uni because i feel like it's uni that's gonna finish us before we even have a chance to start our forever
he worries so much as it is, i don't understand how he's being so optimistic about it. whenever i think about it i feel sick. he's going to be miles away from me meeting all these new, interesting, gorgeous girls, and it's going to be weeks at a time before i see him. i'm going to be worried beyond belief. i won't be able to enjoy myself. i'll just spend all my time crying in my room, obsessively checking facebook every few hours and undoubtedly hating what i see when i do. i can see it happening. and to be completely honest i think he's going to be the same. he's going to be even worse, he worries sick when i go out now, with friends, after a day of seeing him and probably only a day or two before seeing him again. how's he gonna feel when i'm 4 hours away, and it's 2 weeks since i've seen him and i'm going out with a load of guys i'm now living with. it's going to be horrific. if he see's one photo of me out in a club with a guy with his arm round me it would send him into utter turmoil and i know it would be exactly the same for me if i saw him in a photo with his arm round a girl. even if it was a group photo, even if everyone all had their arms round each other, i'd probably spend the next week crying about it.
that was what made me cry so much that night in spain. i mean yeah it had already started badly but then i had to go and read the stupid university group post... it was completely innocent chat, simply about a summer project but it just got me thinking so much. it terrified me and that was just him talking to them. i started to imagine how i'll feel when he's seeing them more than he's seeing me, or living with them. i honestly don't know how i'd possibly cope. i think i could just about cope with the distance, maybe the time between seeing each other, but it's the other people involved that's really scaring me.
but before all that we have the summer to get through, and i'm having other doubts and worries too. i guess my main problem is that i feel like i've lost my social life. when it's just the two of us things are perfect, but i feel like when i stop and think about my friends i get scared i'm losing them. i feel like i have lost them tbh. sometimes i feel like he doesn't want me to see them, i mean i know he doesn't like a lot of them. i know he doesn't like it when i go out with them, especially if it's compromising time i could spend with him, or if he can't come and keep an eye on me. and the whole distrust issue gets to me so much, like slightest thing and he instantly thinks i'm cheating, like the other day when i said "let me know when you're half an hour away" simply so i could spruce myself up for him before he arrived, he jumped straight to the conclusion that i might have someone else round while he's gone. how can he think i'd do that? does he really think that low of me? it hurts that after 9 months he still has this trust issue, he says that it's not that he doesn't trust me but it is. what else is it if it's not about trust? no matter how he feels about himself, whether he can see why i love him or not, he should know by now that i'm not going to jump into bed with another guy as soon as he turns his back.
other guys.... the whole Paul thing gets to me too. If i'm pre- drinking at Paul's he doesn't like it, if Paul is coming out he doesn't like it, if i'm staying at Paul's (i'm a completely separate bedroom, alone) he doesn't like it, if i'm in a photo with Paul he doesn't like it... you get the gist. I can't even talk to Paul without him getting mad. I honestly feel like i've lost him completely as a friend. We never talk anymore. We were really good friends at one point, really close, but never to the point of more than friends. I honestly felt like he was one of my best friends for a while, even right before the start of FAD we were still pretty good friends. Now i feel like i'm not allowed to see him or talk to him or be friends with him, and i hate feeling that way. i hate feeling controlled, like i'm not allowed to do certain things, talk to certain people, wear certain clothes - tom is controlling. the worst thing is, about the whole Paul thing, is that Paul is to him what Harrie is to me. but Tom doesn't see it like that. Tom and Harrie were really close friends before the start of FAD and pretty much remained that way throughout it. I know i made a few comments about seeing her as a threat and what-not but i never made him feel like he couldn't talked to her. never sulked every time he did or complained every time he was in a photo with her. i know he'd say it's not the same, but it is, it's exactly the same. a close friend of the opposite sex who is nothing more than a friend....
that's the thing that's getting to me i think. that's it. that controlling nature of his, i know it may be partly caused by insecurity but it's that that's getting to me. i feel smothered by it, almost like i'm not my own person anymore. that's what it is. i've finally got it. i feel more like "Tom's girlfriend" than "Emily". Does that sound silly? I feel like i've lost me. My clothes, my friends, my social like, my personality, i feel like i've lost it. And although i love being Tom's girlfriend, Tom's other half, i don't want to lose who i am, maybe it's that that's scaring me? Maybe that's why i feel like Reading is such a big part of this?? Because i am myself at Reading, probably more so at Reading than anywhere else or any other time and i love the independence of it and i'm scared that, well actually i know that, it will only highlight the clash between Tom's controlling side and my independent side :/ i do feel insensitive though... i mean i know he doesn't mean to be controlling at all. I know he's only the way he is because he cares so much, but maybe he care's too much..... is that possible? it that silly to say that? i don't know, maybe it's not necessarily a point of him being less controlling, maybe it's more of a point of him being more confident. confident enough to let me go where i wanted when i wanted, dress how i wanted, see, be in photos with, and talk to who i wanted, knowing that i'm gonna come back to him and still be all his and only his. that's what i want. i want more freedom.
we were so happy, so effortlessly happy
i wanna go back there and experience that again
why do i keep having doubts, what's wrong with me? :(
is it because i've had my "forever" demolished before? am i trying to end it before he gets the chance?
for a while i did honestly believe in love, and forever, even marriage
i'm not so sure now
i don't know why, or exactly when, but i've lost that belief somehow, i still believe in love, i'm in love, i can feel that's real, but i'm not so sure about the forever bit
i want it to be real
really really want it to be, but it's almost like i'm so scared that it won't be that i'm just trying to give in now... what's the expression? cut my losses? i dunno.....
there's so much i want to do with him
i can see us living together, having our own little apartment together with white walls and wooden floors and a big bed. sitting and cuddling, watching films, eating chinese, painting, doing the place up together, like our own little project,
i can see us traveling, oh i'd love to go traveling with him. backpacking around europe. road-tripping around america in a old beat-up campervan, spending months, years, driving round doing work here and there, making memories. i'd love to drive up in to canada, go on walks through the national parks, through the forests and the mountains and the lakes and stay in a wood cabin and go and meet his family that live over there
i can see us growing old together. looking back on our lives together while we sit by the fire in our arm chairs with our cardigans on, and our white hair. when i used to work at the golf club and i used to see the old couples dancing together, i'd see it as me and him and i'd smile....
now i almost feel naive for letting myself dream that far.... i still smile when i think of it because it is a lovely thought but then i feel instantly sad because i feel like we'll never get there
there's one thing i keep thinking "i wish i'd met him after uni".
although the past 9 months with him have been absolutely, undeniable wonderful, i wish i'd met him after uni because i feel like it's uni that's gonna finish us before we even have a chance to start our forever
he worries so much as it is, i don't understand how he's being so optimistic about it. whenever i think about it i feel sick. he's going to be miles away from me meeting all these new, interesting, gorgeous girls, and it's going to be weeks at a time before i see him. i'm going to be worried beyond belief. i won't be able to enjoy myself. i'll just spend all my time crying in my room, obsessively checking facebook every few hours and undoubtedly hating what i see when i do. i can see it happening. and to be completely honest i think he's going to be the same. he's going to be even worse, he worries sick when i go out now, with friends, after a day of seeing him and probably only a day or two before seeing him again. how's he gonna feel when i'm 4 hours away, and it's 2 weeks since i've seen him and i'm going out with a load of guys i'm now living with. it's going to be horrific. if he see's one photo of me out in a club with a guy with his arm round me it would send him into utter turmoil and i know it would be exactly the same for me if i saw him in a photo with his arm round a girl. even if it was a group photo, even if everyone all had their arms round each other, i'd probably spend the next week crying about it.
that was what made me cry so much that night in spain. i mean yeah it had already started badly but then i had to go and read the stupid university group post... it was completely innocent chat, simply about a summer project but it just got me thinking so much. it terrified me and that was just him talking to them. i started to imagine how i'll feel when he's seeing them more than he's seeing me, or living with them. i honestly don't know how i'd possibly cope. i think i could just about cope with the distance, maybe the time between seeing each other, but it's the other people involved that's really scaring me.
but before all that we have the summer to get through, and i'm having other doubts and worries too. i guess my main problem is that i feel like i've lost my social life. when it's just the two of us things are perfect, but i feel like when i stop and think about my friends i get scared i'm losing them. i feel like i have lost them tbh. sometimes i feel like he doesn't want me to see them, i mean i know he doesn't like a lot of them. i know he doesn't like it when i go out with them, especially if it's compromising time i could spend with him, or if he can't come and keep an eye on me. and the whole distrust issue gets to me so much, like slightest thing and he instantly thinks i'm cheating, like the other day when i said "let me know when you're half an hour away" simply so i could spruce myself up for him before he arrived, he jumped straight to the conclusion that i might have someone else round while he's gone. how can he think i'd do that? does he really think that low of me? it hurts that after 9 months he still has this trust issue, he says that it's not that he doesn't trust me but it is. what else is it if it's not about trust? no matter how he feels about himself, whether he can see why i love him or not, he should know by now that i'm not going to jump into bed with another guy as soon as he turns his back.
other guys.... the whole Paul thing gets to me too. If i'm pre- drinking at Paul's he doesn't like it, if Paul is coming out he doesn't like it, if i'm staying at Paul's (i'm a completely separate bedroom, alone) he doesn't like it, if i'm in a photo with Paul he doesn't like it... you get the gist. I can't even talk to Paul without him getting mad. I honestly feel like i've lost him completely as a friend. We never talk anymore. We were really good friends at one point, really close, but never to the point of more than friends. I honestly felt like he was one of my best friends for a while, even right before the start of FAD we were still pretty good friends. Now i feel like i'm not allowed to see him or talk to him or be friends with him, and i hate feeling that way. i hate feeling controlled, like i'm not allowed to do certain things, talk to certain people, wear certain clothes - tom is controlling. the worst thing is, about the whole Paul thing, is that Paul is to him what Harrie is to me. but Tom doesn't see it like that. Tom and Harrie were really close friends before the start of FAD and pretty much remained that way throughout it. I know i made a few comments about seeing her as a threat and what-not but i never made him feel like he couldn't talked to her. never sulked every time he did or complained every time he was in a photo with her. i know he'd say it's not the same, but it is, it's exactly the same. a close friend of the opposite sex who is nothing more than a friend....
that's the thing that's getting to me i think. that's it. that controlling nature of his, i know it may be partly caused by insecurity but it's that that's getting to me. i feel smothered by it, almost like i'm not my own person anymore. that's what it is. i've finally got it. i feel more like "Tom's girlfriend" than "Emily". Does that sound silly? I feel like i've lost me. My clothes, my friends, my social like, my personality, i feel like i've lost it. And although i love being Tom's girlfriend, Tom's other half, i don't want to lose who i am, maybe it's that that's scaring me? Maybe that's why i feel like Reading is such a big part of this?? Because i am myself at Reading, probably more so at Reading than anywhere else or any other time and i love the independence of it and i'm scared that, well actually i know that, it will only highlight the clash between Tom's controlling side and my independent side :/ i do feel insensitive though... i mean i know he doesn't mean to be controlling at all. I know he's only the way he is because he cares so much, but maybe he care's too much..... is that possible? it that silly to say that? i don't know, maybe it's not necessarily a point of him being less controlling, maybe it's more of a point of him being more confident. confident enough to let me go where i wanted when i wanted, dress how i wanted, see, be in photos with, and talk to who i wanted, knowing that i'm gonna come back to him and still be all his and only his. that's what i want. i want more freedom.
Saturday 14 July 2012
Saturday 7 July 2012
lying awake at 3am
crying my eyes out for no real reason and thinking about suicide
seriously, what THE FUCK is wrong with me!?
maybe I do need counselling, or anti depressents - at least while I'm pmsing and being a generally crazy, irrational, over emotional, insensitive bitch
recently I'm actually starting to worry that pms is gonna cause me to do something really stupid.
god, at this rate I'll need a quintuple appointment at the doctors
seriously, what THE FUCK is wrong with me!?
maybe I do need counselling, or anti depressents - at least while I'm pmsing and being a generally crazy, irrational, over emotional, insensitive bitch
recently I'm actually starting to worry that pms is gonna cause me to do something really stupid.
god, at this rate I'll need a quintuple appointment at the doctors
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