why couldn't

he just have left her alone
for me
why
why was it so hard for him

i asked him to pick between me and her
and he picked her
yet he still wants me too

i'm angry and heartbroken, betrayed, confused, alone, and so upset
i'm so hurt
i'm so angry at him for letting me down again
i gave him so many chances to prove me wrong
to show me how much he cared, how sorry he was, how much he loved me
to prove to me that it wouldn't happen again
but it did
and yet he expects me to give him another chance, to believe him
but i'm empty
i have no more trust to give
he's taken it all, and worst of all, he's thrown it away

i'm so angry at myself as well for keep giving him chances
i feel so humiliated and taken advantage of
i feel naive and stupid for believing he would change for me
i thought he loved me enough...

and i hate myself for that voice telling me 'just one more chance'
i don't want to lose him
i'm so in love with him
all i want right now is to be held by him
i want him to wipe my tears away and tell me it's going to be okay, and things will be alright again, this time it won't happen again, he's going to prove how much he loves me
and i want to believe him, i want that to be true

but i hate myself for being so weak and for being a pushover

so mixed up right now

feel like i should go to bed but don't think i'm going to sleep

i've lost all motivation

for everything
just want to get back in bed and stay there

how do i get myself to go to sleep?

I'm starting to go past tired now.
Should i just get up and give up on sleeping for tonight?
I'd go for a walk if it wasn't so cold out.
Wish i had my car, could go for a nice long drive then.
I could drive into the country, find a nice big hill to park on top of, and then just stare up into the sky, and down at all the lights below.
Very bored of staring at my ceiling.
Really awake now.
Just so bored.

bored

lonely
fed up

so unhappy

and all i can fucking think about

is if he's talking to her

fuck.this.

what's the point in playing a game you're gonna lose?

You're too proud to say that you've made a mistake,
You're a coward to the end.
I don't wanna admit that we're not gonna fit.
No, I'm not the type that you like.
Why don't we just pretend?

Lies.
Don't wanna know.
I can't let you go.
I just want it to be perfect.
To believe it's all been worth the fight.
Lies.
Don't wanna know.

sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control, 'cause really, I adore you, and I can't leave you alone.

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part,

When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart.

You know I'd rather work alone, then play a supporting role,

If I can't get the starring role.