:'(

I'm so fed up. so fed up.
I went out last night to a meal and i wanted to see T but he wasn't going to the meal, he was going out in town, so i decided i'd go out after the meal to go see him. i only went to see him. why the fuck did i bother?
I got there and he was totally off his face (after he'd told me he hadn't got anything... why the fuck lie? does he think i'm stupid? that i wouldn't notice? everyone noticed.. and everyone thought he was pathetic... apart from his equally pathetic drugged up friends).
He ignored me the whole night, after i'd gone specifically to him and he'd said "see you there" as if he had some intention of at least acknowledging my existence. The only time he spoke to me the whole night was about 30minutes after i'd arrived when he asked me if i was annoyed with him (because it was obvious he'd lied to me about taking stuff... his mate told me he'd spent £80 on drugs after he'd told me he didn't have enough money to come out for the meal).
I hated him last night. Hated him. So much. He's so different when he's drugged up with his mates. He becomes a completely different person... a person i actually despise.. more so because i know he's not really like that. I hate it. So so much.
And now we're not talking... i don't know why he's not talking to me though... i mean i haven't done anything, he's the one in the wrong. I was gonna send him an angry text last night.. i was so fucking angry with him. I really needed him last night, i had a shit night, all i wanted was for him to hold me, but he was too busy being off his face and hitting on other girls. Not like he'd dare be that nice to me in front of his friends anyway.
And now i'm just so so upset... i can't stop crying, because last night made me realise i can't do this... although i love him, i also absolutely despise him at times... and i can't cope with it... it's like i'm seeing two completely different people, one of whom doesn't give a shit about me and is practically a druggie, i fucking hate him. i don't wanna be with someone like that... and although i love to pieces at other times it's just no good... because when he turns into this other person it hurts and upsets me so much. and it's not even like i can talk to anyone about.. no one understands why i care how he acts, because no one knows about us seeing each other.
I'm so upset because i don't want to have to end it...but i do have to, and all because he is such a twat. Just the thought of ending it all hurts so much.. he'd really become like a boyfriend to me again.
Fucks sake. I'm so fed up of being hurt. This boyfriend shit really isn't worth the pain. I just can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna wait and see how long it takes him to speak to me (and what he says when he does) and then take it from there.
I'm just gonna go to bed now... and probably stay in bed all day tomorrow... i'd gorge myself on ice cream but it would just remind me of being with him too much.
Seriously, fml.

i'm just wasting time away, i'm just wasting time in space

College is so bad now... eurgh... at the moment i can deal with comms cuz we're watching a film but i really don't know how long i'm gonna be able to carry on with it before it drives me round the bend.. same deal with english
Graphics and textiles are the only things keeping me sane and i'm even starting to dislike graphics due to the huge workload D:

Still REALLY need a job... i owe my mum over £100 D: i went to a job fair thing tonight and tomorrow i'm going round the local pubs handing out CVs

Today's been a funny day... funny as in odd i mean... very long and stressful, everything i planned got messed up.. i wanted T to come round and he couldn't and then moaned about how long its been since we've done anything, which annoyed me a little cuz we do have chances but he never bothers to make the most of them, then i had to wait around for 2/3 hours for other people that wanted to go to the job fair... which was then shit, just made me realize the amount of other people looking for the same job as me...so much competition for jobs, there's no way i'd get picked :/... then had to wait around ages for the bus to kinver, which then turned out to only go as far as stourbridge so then i had to borrow money for the bus to kinver which i had to wait 30 minutes in the cold for... so all in all.. a bit shit really... and me being tired/just started a new pill/super hormonal cuz i haven't had a period in 3 months i got all upset and cried about it.
But it made me realise how lovely T is. And how much i really do love and need him. All i wanted (all i ever want when i'm upset) is him to hold me close and tell me everything's going to be fine. I felt bad because in my tired/grumpy-ness i'd been kinda off hand with him and i know he hates it when i'm like that :/ But he was really trying his hardest to make me feel better and i could tell that he was upset by seeing me upset and not being able to do anything to help it. He's been ever so lovely today.
I'm staying at his tomorrow night and then he's coming to mine on sunday (hopefully).
I'm feeling a lot a lot of love for him at the moment <3

Must be off now... gotta be up early for job searching, mountains of college work and cleaning my rabbit out :( eurgh
G'night
E xxx

wow..

so today i'm an emotional wreck...i haven't stopped crying all morning
i was feeling a little fed up last night but today i feel dreadful

i really don't think things are working with T.. and it hurts to know, sooner or later, i am gonna have to end it and then who knows what will become of us... i can't be sure if we'll even stay friends and losing him completely is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to me
also, it was today last year that i first got my heart properly broken.. it was when T dumped me, and it hurt so fucking much... i keep thinking back to that hurt and that upset.. it still hurts me today

honey you are a rock on which i stand

Reading = best weekend of my life. Truly awesome. There's not much else i can say about it really. Amazing
Highlights - Dizzie Rascal, The Libertines, Mumford and Sons, Marina and the Diamonds, Blink 182.
Andddd, i MET stefan. Oh yes, oh yes i did. Met and HUGGED him <3 nomnomnom

Back at college now... not sure if i'm liking it as much as last year.
Picked up textiles which seems cool (Y) but they've moved my comms class :( i with different people and different teachers and really not liking it :( strongly considering dropping it now, although that would leave me with only 2 full A levels :/

Jake's back, which is difficult. I didn't realise quite how much i'd missed him until i saw him again :/ i really wish he wasn't moving away :( he goes on Wednesday (it's Friday today).. so hopefully i'll get to see him tomorrow or one of the days before/after college. It'll be weird saying goodbye. But i hope we'll keep in touch so it should be ok.

Things between me and T (my ex) are awkward. I dunno, it's odd. When i'm with him (just the two of us) things seem good.. kind of like we're together again... we snuggle, mess around, laugh at each others sillyness.. it's lovely.
But when we're around others, or in public it's so awkward. I really hate it. We have to pretend we're not together, make up stupid stories.. i really hate it... like the other day when we were going round town together T was constantly looking round to check no one we knew was around... i hate all the pretending so much.
And, at the same time, i'm not even sure if i want to be with him anymore (even in secret)... too much has happened and been said between us.. things are old, we're not the same people we were when we fell in love... i don't know if he makes me as happy as he used to... i don't know if i love him as much as i used to.
I want something fresh, something new, something exciting. I remember after me and T broke up this time last year and in October i started seeing E (name hidden), it was so exciting. So thrilling... the thrill of the chase maybe. To have someone else be really interested in me, want to be with me, other than T, was such a confidence boost.. i was so happy when me and E got together. I want that feeling again.
But then i think i'd miss T so much. He knows me so well, we're so close, he knows exactly how to make me feel better when i'm feeling down, he's kind of like my rock. Would i be able to have such a close relationship with someone else? Is it worth the risk of letting T go to find out? If i let him go, i don't know if i'd ever get him back. And i don't know if we'd stay friends. I can't lose him. He means too much to me. I really don't know what to do :(

I'm sleepy.. i might play some Age of Empires (i'm such a nerd) and then retire to bed.
Also, I REALLY WANT A JOB... i love autumn/winter collections but i can't afford to buy any of the furry boots or gorgeous coats or snuggly warm knits :( makes me sad :(

E xxx