:'(

I'm so fed up. so fed up.
I went out last night to a meal and i wanted to see T but he wasn't going to the meal, he was going out in town, so i decided i'd go out after the meal to go see him. i only went to see him. why the fuck did i bother?
I got there and he was totally off his face (after he'd told me he hadn't got anything... why the fuck lie? does he think i'm stupid? that i wouldn't notice? everyone noticed.. and everyone thought he was pathetic... apart from his equally pathetic drugged up friends).
He ignored me the whole night, after i'd gone specifically to him and he'd said "see you there" as if he had some intention of at least acknowledging my existence. The only time he spoke to me the whole night was about 30minutes after i'd arrived when he asked me if i was annoyed with him (because it was obvious he'd lied to me about taking stuff... his mate told me he'd spent £80 on drugs after he'd told me he didn't have enough money to come out for the meal).
I hated him last night. Hated him. So much. He's so different when he's drugged up with his mates. He becomes a completely different person... a person i actually despise.. more so because i know he's not really like that. I hate it. So so much.
And now we're not talking... i don't know why he's not talking to me though... i mean i haven't done anything, he's the one in the wrong. I was gonna send him an angry text last night.. i was so fucking angry with him. I really needed him last night, i had a shit night, all i wanted was for him to hold me, but he was too busy being off his face and hitting on other girls. Not like he'd dare be that nice to me in front of his friends anyway.
And now i'm just so so upset... i can't stop crying, because last night made me realise i can't do this... although i love him, i also absolutely despise him at times... and i can't cope with it... it's like i'm seeing two completely different people, one of whom doesn't give a shit about me and is practically a druggie, i fucking hate him. i don't wanna be with someone like that... and although i love to pieces at other times it's just no good... because when he turns into this other person it hurts and upsets me so much. and it's not even like i can talk to anyone about.. no one understands why i care how he acts, because no one knows about us seeing each other.
I'm so upset because i don't want to have to end it...but i do have to, and all because he is such a twat. Just the thought of ending it all hurts so much.. he'd really become like a boyfriend to me again.
Fucks sake. I'm so fed up of being hurt. This boyfriend shit really isn't worth the pain. I just can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna wait and see how long it takes him to speak to me (and what he says when he does) and then take it from there.
I'm just gonna go to bed now... and probably stay in bed all day tomorrow... i'd gorge myself on ice cream but it would just remind me of being with him too much.
Seriously, fml.