Thursday 29 April 2010
Wednesday 28 April 2010
hmmmm...
not sure how i'm feeling tbh
was feeling real upbeat earlier :)
but i just started thinking about him.. and now i'm feeling down again :(
was feeling real upbeat earlier :)
but i just started thinking about him.. and now i'm feeling down again :(
Thursday 22 April 2010
You know what,
worst of all,
he doesn't even realise how much i love him.
he doesn't realise much he means to me.
and how much the things he does affect me.
and i don't think he ever will.
even if i told him.
i don't think he could ever understand.
he doesn't even realise how much i love him.
he doesn't realise much he means to me.
and how much the things he does affect me.
and i don't think he ever will.
even if i told him.
i don't think he could ever understand.
it's odd...
...how one little thing can completely change your mood. Make you feel like you can't breath. Make you feel sick to your stomach. Make you feel hot and dizzy like you're about to faint.
And all because i love him.
And all because i love him.
Friday 16 April 2010
why oh why can't there be love?
Ok a serious update is needed...
My ex came round on Tuesday, n it was nice spending time with him, but then, like when we went to town together, it was kinda awkward... n towards the time when he had to leave he got all funny with me, he lay down on my bed and asked me to lie with him. then he held me really close to him for ages, without saying anything, he then he held my hand. And although it felt nice to be close to him again it was weird...just as i was starting to feel ok without him, feelings came back.. i didn't really know what to think.. since then we've been messaging and stuff... i was feeling a bit down on Wednesday night and he was asking me what was wrong n making sure i was ok.. he told me that he was always going to be there for me and that he still cared for me a lot.
And then yesterday night i went to a party... he turned up late and was sat outside... i went to say hi and he said "d'ya want a seat" when i said yes he sat me down on his lap, wrapped his arms round me and held me tight... he wasn't talking to anyone else, just sat holding me.. it was really strange... made me think maybe he was missing me or something... then evey time throughout the night when i saw him after that he kept asking me if i wanted to go and lie down somewhere.. again, very odd. I said no of course.
Anyway so it was about midnight and him and the group of dickhead friends he now has began to leave the house. I went outside to say goodbye to some of the guys who i knew and he was nowhere to be seen, one of them turned to me and said "who's [he] getting with". My heart dropped as i replied "what!?". I suddenly became overwhelmed with anger. About 30 seconds later he come out the house. He tried to ignore me as i stood next to him. When he turned to look at me i said "seriously you better leave right now or i will hit you". He just stood and looked at me so i stormed back into the house but i couldn't leave it at that, i was so angry, and i wanted to know who more than anything. So i stormed back outside and straight towards him, i went to hit him but he grabbed my hands and restrained me. I was crying at this point, and i think i was the angriest i've ever been. I said "who. who was it?" he knew exactly what i meant and when he told me who i began to cry even more... it was a girl who i'm supposed to be good friends with. I yelled and sweared at him... and all he could say in reply was "i thought it was mutual". "Yeh it was" i cried at him "but it's been a month, just a month, and you think you can go and get with someone and it wouldn't bother me? you really think that!?" and he just left.. he just walked away with his dickhead mates, who were taking the piss out of me by this point, as i shouted "don't ever talk to me again" at him. I spent the rest of the evening sat crying in the bath with my girlfriends round me trying to comfort me.
This morning, i realize i overreacted but it still hurts thinking about him with someone else, i forgave my friend for it, she said she was ridiculously drunk and she would've never got with him if she'd been thinking straight.
He sent me a message at about one saying "i'm sorry, please tell me you're alright.... or at least willing to talk to me".
I ignored him at first, but then i sent him this:
"I'm sorry i got so crazy last night. I guess i overreacted. You're single now, you were gonna get with someone else sooner or later, n I'm guessing it hasn't just been [my friend].
Even though I know we don't work I still love you, so much, and it hurts a lot seeing/hearing about you with other girls. It really hurts a lot.
It's made me realize that i don't know if i can handle staying close to you because it's making it harder to let go."
He replied with:
"It has just been her.
To tell you the truth, I miss you, a lot. I liked being with you on Tuesday, it reminded me of how much I liked you...But I know nothing could become of it...because we both know it just didn't work out...I guess that's why I've been acting strange.
I don't blame you for how you reacted, and please don't think I was ignoring you last night, I just didn't want to make things worse."
Anyway, he said he would call me, and we needed to talk anyway because on Tuesday we booked to go to town tomorrow to try to get our laptops fixed, so we needed to decide if we were still gonna go.
So i just spoke to him.. i didn't say much tbh, i didn't know what to say really :/ he said he hoped i was ok n stuff, n that he missed me... i don't really know what to feel.. i'm all mixed up.. i feel kinda numb tbh, i know that sounds weird but it's the only way i can describe it.
So yeh, i'll be seeing him tomorrow.. i guess we'll talk more then :/ hmmm
I'll let you know how things go.
Sorry this has been such a long post.
E xxx
My ex came round on Tuesday, n it was nice spending time with him, but then, like when we went to town together, it was kinda awkward... n towards the time when he had to leave he got all funny with me, he lay down on my bed and asked me to lie with him. then he held me really close to him for ages, without saying anything, he then he held my hand. And although it felt nice to be close to him again it was weird...just as i was starting to feel ok without him, feelings came back.. i didn't really know what to think.. since then we've been messaging and stuff... i was feeling a bit down on Wednesday night and he was asking me what was wrong n making sure i was ok.. he told me that he was always going to be there for me and that he still cared for me a lot.
And then yesterday night i went to a party... he turned up late and was sat outside... i went to say hi and he said "d'ya want a seat" when i said yes he sat me down on his lap, wrapped his arms round me and held me tight... he wasn't talking to anyone else, just sat holding me.. it was really strange... made me think maybe he was missing me or something... then evey time throughout the night when i saw him after that he kept asking me if i wanted to go and lie down somewhere.. again, very odd. I said no of course.
Anyway so it was about midnight and him and the group of dickhead friends he now has began to leave the house. I went outside to say goodbye to some of the guys who i knew and he was nowhere to be seen, one of them turned to me and said "who's [he] getting with". My heart dropped as i replied "what!?". I suddenly became overwhelmed with anger. About 30 seconds later he come out the house. He tried to ignore me as i stood next to him. When he turned to look at me i said "seriously you better leave right now or i will hit you". He just stood and looked at me so i stormed back into the house but i couldn't leave it at that, i was so angry, and i wanted to know who more than anything. So i stormed back outside and straight towards him, i went to hit him but he grabbed my hands and restrained me. I was crying at this point, and i think i was the angriest i've ever been. I said "who. who was it?" he knew exactly what i meant and when he told me who i began to cry even more... it was a girl who i'm supposed to be good friends with. I yelled and sweared at him... and all he could say in reply was "i thought it was mutual". "Yeh it was" i cried at him "but it's been a month, just a month, and you think you can go and get with someone and it wouldn't bother me? you really think that!?" and he just left.. he just walked away with his dickhead mates, who were taking the piss out of me by this point, as i shouted "don't ever talk to me again" at him. I spent the rest of the evening sat crying in the bath with my girlfriends round me trying to comfort me.
This morning, i realize i overreacted but it still hurts thinking about him with someone else, i forgave my friend for it, she said she was ridiculously drunk and she would've never got with him if she'd been thinking straight.
He sent me a message at about one saying "i'm sorry, please tell me you're alright.... or at least willing to talk to me".
I ignored him at first, but then i sent him this:
"I'm sorry i got so crazy last night. I guess i overreacted. You're single now, you were gonna get with someone else sooner or later, n I'm guessing it hasn't just been [my friend].
Even though I know we don't work I still love you, so much, and it hurts a lot seeing/hearing about you with other girls. It really hurts a lot.
It's made me realize that i don't know if i can handle staying close to you because it's making it harder to let go."
He replied with:
"It has just been her.
To tell you the truth, I miss you, a lot. I liked being with you on Tuesday, it reminded me of how much I liked you...But I know nothing could become of it...because we both know it just didn't work out...I guess that's why I've been acting strange.
I don't blame you for how you reacted, and please don't think I was ignoring you last night, I just didn't want to make things worse."
Anyway, he said he would call me, and we needed to talk anyway because on Tuesday we booked to go to town tomorrow to try to get our laptops fixed, so we needed to decide if we were still gonna go.
So i just spoke to him.. i didn't say much tbh, i didn't know what to say really :/ he said he hoped i was ok n stuff, n that he missed me... i don't really know what to feel.. i'm all mixed up.. i feel kinda numb tbh, i know that sounds weird but it's the only way i can describe it.
So yeh, i'll be seeing him tomorrow.. i guess we'll talk more then :/ hmmm
I'll let you know how things go.
Sorry this has been such a long post.
E xxx
Monday 12 April 2010
oh..
i've just been sat here for quite a while looking a my stomach
it seems to have grown :/ in short, i feel like i look fat :/ i've even been considering if there's any possible way i could be pregnant...i seem to have put weight on my tummy and sides all of a sudden :/ (there's not any possible way btw) hmmm i think i shall be doing quite a few sit ups over the next few dayss...
o and about today.. my ex never came round in the end, he couldn't get here (all that preparing for nothing!)... he might be coming tomorrow if he can get a lift...if not then i don't know when :/
anyway, it's late, i should probably go to bed now
g'night
E xxx
it seems to have grown :/ in short, i feel like i look fat :/ i've even been considering if there's any possible way i could be pregnant...i seem to have put weight on my tummy and sides all of a sudden :/ (there's not any possible way btw) hmmm i think i shall be doing quite a few sit ups over the next few dayss...
o and about today.. my ex never came round in the end, he couldn't get here (all that preparing for nothing!)... he might be coming tomorrow if he can get a lift...if not then i don't know when :/
anyway, it's late, i should probably go to bed now
g'night
E xxx
i've got to let you know
so my ex is coming over today,
we both decided it would be nice to spend time together like we used to, just as friends, we used to play wii fit, eat ice cream n stuff so i guess we'll just be doing that. i hope things aren't awkward, i mean i felt like they were a bit on saturday, and we were in public then, what about when it's just the two of us alone together?? :/
i think my parents were a bit apprehensive about me having him round in case something happens. although, i'm kinda hoping something does... i dunno.. it's not like i wanna be back with him again because i know that doesn't work, but a bit of fun wouldn't hurt would it?
although in saying that i have a friend who broke up with her bf and they decided to "stay friends".... 8 months later and they're still having casual sex each week and she can't let go of him, i really don't want that to happen to me :/ although i don't think it would, cuz like i said, it's not like i want to be with him again, i've accepted that doesn't work so in my mind it would literally just be a bit of no strings attached fun... that would be ok surely, wouldn't it? (i don't know, but don't call me Shirley .... i'm just too funny :p) anywayyyys.....
i hope it goes ok.... god, the more i think about it, the more i want something to happen... we'll see how things go
i'll update you later, maybe tonight or tomorrow
E xxx
we both decided it would be nice to spend time together like we used to, just as friends, we used to play wii fit, eat ice cream n stuff so i guess we'll just be doing that. i hope things aren't awkward, i mean i felt like they were a bit on saturday, and we were in public then, what about when it's just the two of us alone together?? :/
i think my parents were a bit apprehensive about me having him round in case something happens. although, i'm kinda hoping something does... i dunno.. it's not like i wanna be back with him again because i know that doesn't work, but a bit of fun wouldn't hurt would it?
although in saying that i have a friend who broke up with her bf and they decided to "stay friends".... 8 months later and they're still having casual sex each week and she can't let go of him, i really don't want that to happen to me :/ although i don't think it would, cuz like i said, it's not like i want to be with him again, i've accepted that doesn't work so in my mind it would literally just be a bit of no strings attached fun... that would be ok surely, wouldn't it? (i don't know, but don't call me Shirley .... i'm just too funny :p) anywayyyys.....
i hope it goes ok.... god, the more i think about it, the more i want something to happen... we'll see how things go
i'll update you later, maybe tonight or tomorrow
E xxx
Saturday 10 April 2010
me and you could write a bad romance..
today was weird...
although it was nice spending time with my ex - he makes me laugh and smile so easily - it was also really difficult because it just reminded me of all the things that make/made me love him, his cute smile, his sense of humor, just the way he is. we were on the train and he just sat pulling funny faces at me, something we used to do when we were together, and although it was nice laughing with him again it was saddening because i miss that and it makes me wanna be with him again :/
AND (i almost forgot) i received a really odd text from him last night, completely out of the blue. he says he was drunk and can't even remember writing or sending it but i was quite puzzled by it. at 20 to 2 i got a text message from him saying "i hope you feel ok :) i hope you're not sad :)" i mean..wth? it came out of nowhere, n i was thinking "why would i feel sad?". and although he says he can't remember, there must be a reason he sent it... i don't know why, it just puzzles me a lot.
although it was nice spending time with my ex - he makes me laugh and smile so easily - it was also really difficult because it just reminded me of all the things that make/made me love him, his cute smile, his sense of humor, just the way he is. we were on the train and he just sat pulling funny faces at me, something we used to do when we were together, and although it was nice laughing with him again it was saddening because i miss that and it makes me wanna be with him again :/
AND (i almost forgot) i received a really odd text from him last night, completely out of the blue. he says he was drunk and can't even remember writing or sending it but i was quite puzzled by it. at 20 to 2 i got a text message from him saying "i hope you feel ok :) i hope you're not sad :)" i mean..wth? it came out of nowhere, n i was thinking "why would i feel sad?". and although he says he can't remember, there must be a reason he sent it... i don't know why, it just puzzles me a lot.
so i'm at my ex's house....
this is wierd,
although kinda nice spending time with him again, he makes me smile :)
we're going into town in a bit to get his laptop fixed. None of his guy friends would go with him so i said that i would....i hope it's not awkward.. hmmmm
although kinda nice spending time with him again, he makes me smile :)
we're going into town in a bit to get his laptop fixed. None of his guy friends would go with him so i said that i would....i hope it's not awkward.. hmmmm
Friday 2 April 2010
i rock it to the easter bunny...
i can't believe how long it's been since my last posttt
so much to say, i shall try to keep it short and sweet :)
i'm in a much better place now as far as getting over my ex, although i'm a little worried i may have developed a rather large crush on a good guy friend, a good, very unavailable guy friend :( but oh well, i don't want to spend my time worrying about guys anymore, i'm having great fun with my girls so thats all that counts :))
past things:
body jam was real good but very tiring, shall be going again on monday hopefully :)
most important news: I GOT READING TICKETS :D:D i'm so happy and excited all my friends have aswell, i've got a feeling this summer's gonna be the best yet :)
upcoming things:
chinese for a friends b'day tomorrow in brum followed by a partay :)
girly sleepover on sunday night... s'gonna be goood :D :D
andddd it's easter :D which mean chocolate :D
i thought i'd leave you with a little easter gift :p
http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf
love yas
E xxx
so much to say, i shall try to keep it short and sweet :)
i'm in a much better place now as far as getting over my ex, although i'm a little worried i may have developed a rather large crush on a good guy friend, a good, very unavailable guy friend :( but oh well, i don't want to spend my time worrying about guys anymore, i'm having great fun with my girls so thats all that counts :))
past things:
body jam was real good but very tiring, shall be going again on monday hopefully :)
most important news: I GOT READING TICKETS :D:D i'm so happy and excited all my friends have aswell, i've got a feeling this summer's gonna be the best yet :)
upcoming things:
chinese for a friends b'day tomorrow in brum followed by a partay :)
girly sleepover on sunday night... s'gonna be goood :D :D
andddd it's easter :D which mean chocolate :D
i thought i'd leave you with a little easter gift :p
http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf
love yas
E xxx
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