honey you are a rock on which i stand

Reading = best weekend of my life. Truly awesome. There's not much else i can say about it really. Amazing
Highlights - Dizzie Rascal, The Libertines, Mumford and Sons, Marina and the Diamonds, Blink 182.
Andddd, i MET stefan. Oh yes, oh yes i did. Met and HUGGED him <3 nomnomnom

Back at college now... not sure if i'm liking it as much as last year.
Picked up textiles which seems cool (Y) but they've moved my comms class :( i with different people and different teachers and really not liking it :( strongly considering dropping it now, although that would leave me with only 2 full A levels :/

Jake's back, which is difficult. I didn't realise quite how much i'd missed him until i saw him again :/ i really wish he wasn't moving away :( he goes on Wednesday (it's Friday today).. so hopefully i'll get to see him tomorrow or one of the days before/after college. It'll be weird saying goodbye. But i hope we'll keep in touch so it should be ok.

Things between me and T (my ex) are awkward. I dunno, it's odd. When i'm with him (just the two of us) things seem good.. kind of like we're together again... we snuggle, mess around, laugh at each others sillyness.. it's lovely.
But when we're around others, or in public it's so awkward. I really hate it. We have to pretend we're not together, make up stupid stories.. i really hate it... like the other day when we were going round town together T was constantly looking round to check no one we knew was around... i hate all the pretending so much.
And, at the same time, i'm not even sure if i want to be with him anymore (even in secret)... too much has happened and been said between us.. things are old, we're not the same people we were when we fell in love... i don't know if he makes me as happy as he used to... i don't know if i love him as much as i used to.
I want something fresh, something new, something exciting. I remember after me and T broke up this time last year and in October i started seeing E (name hidden), it was so exciting. So thrilling... the thrill of the chase maybe. To have someone else be really interested in me, want to be with me, other than T, was such a confidence boost.. i was so happy when me and E got together. I want that feeling again.
But then i think i'd miss T so much. He knows me so well, we're so close, he knows exactly how to make me feel better when i'm feeling down, he's kind of like my rock. Would i be able to have such a close relationship with someone else? Is it worth the risk of letting T go to find out? If i let him go, i don't know if i'd ever get him back. And i don't know if we'd stay friends. I can't lose him. He means too much to me. I really don't know what to do :(

I'm sleepy.. i might play some Age of Empires (i'm such a nerd) and then retire to bed.
Also, I REALLY WANT A JOB... i love autumn/winter collections but i can't afford to buy any of the furry boots or gorgeous coats or snuggly warm knits :( makes me sad :(

E xxx