Can't believe i fucking drunk texted him...

I'm such a fucking jealous dickhead

I need to lay off

I literally hate her guts

And all because he finds her attractive

It's so ridiculous 

Yeah you're right 

I did break it off

But why?

Because of fucking her 

Kaz

I practically spit her name 

I know it's unfair on her

But how can I not despise her

For she's the reason I had to give him up 

She came between us from the start

And he was weak enough to keep talking to her

And now because of her I've lost the one guy I could have imagined marrying

The one guy I wanted to spend my life with

Grow old with

Because of fucking kaz

I've lost him 

Fuck her

Fuck her

Fuck her 

And no matter how nice I try and dress

How good I feel

How many guys buy me drinks or give me attention 

At the end of the night I still end up alone and upset because the only attention I want is probably being given to her right now 

But yeah

I broke it off

So fuck my feelings 

Go fuck her

With her perfect fucking abs

And boobs 

At least you'll have what you missed out on with me

Ahhhhh

I hate her

But I hate myself more right now

And I don't even hate him a bit

it hurts

that he thinks this is so easy for me
it's so so hard
and it hurts so much
he has no idea how miserable i am
i've been putting on a brave face
but when i'm alone all i can do is try my hardest not to cry
but once i start i don't know how to stop
i'm sat here sobbing
uncontrollably
my eyes string
my head is banging
my cheeks are soaked
and all i want to do is crawl back into bed and shut out the world
sleep is meant to be an escape but i dream about him too
i don't know what to do
i feel broken

If that's what you wanna do

then please, go ahead, don't let me hold you back

i won't be waiting to see if it works out though

Of course I'm missing you

I'm not heartless
Just because i instigated this it doesn't mean it's any easier for me
It's hard
It feels so strange not talking to you
I can't help wondering what you've been up to, if you've had a good day, if you're okay
I still care
I'm trying to keep busy
Because when i'm not busy my head fills up with too many thoughts
I'm not enjoying this, but i still think it's right
What you need isn't always the same as what you want
I need this

I miss the sound of your voice though
And the feeling of being in your arms
I've still been thinking about the feeling of my skin on your skin
The feeling of your lips on my neck and your fingers elsewhere
I'm missing you, and part of me wants that closeness and intimacy
But then I know that although it might feel good at the time, it wouldn't fix my doubts, my worries
I would be happy in the moment but still unhappy after

I'm so comfortable with you
I will always crave intimacy with you
We know every part of each other so well
We know what we like, what works
We know the other's insecurities, but we love them for it regardless
There is no vulnerability when i'm with you
I feel comfortable, safe, i feel at home with you
And you make me feel attractive too, maybe even sexy sometimes
I rarely feel ugly when i'm with you

I feel ugly now

But i can't do that
I can't just give in because i miss you and it's whats 'comfortable' .... it's what's 'easy'
I love you so much, i always will
But i still have these doubts
I had them before, i have them now
And i will still have them until I sort my head out
I will still have them even if i give into my heart and talk to you
Even if (if i had the chance) I gave into my body and let myself touch you, and taste you
The doubt would still be there

It just doesn't feel right like it used to

......

woo love being ignored by my boyfriend

feeling super nostalgic

and sad
and weird
time for bed i think

why have i started staying up so late?

it's not even like i'm doing anything
i'm just keeping myself up till ridiculous hours, and then i can't get up in the morning and just end up wasting my days
eurgh
and i always get so nostalgic when i stay up this late
i get freaked out by how long ago certain things were
i'm only 21 yet i feel so so old
it depresses me to know that my youth is almost over
i can't help but look back and wonder where it's gone, and wish i'd done things differently
some things more, some less.. just different
life really is too short
and you spend so much time worrying when you should just be living and not giving a fuck because you're young and who cares
wishing i was 16 again, and i could start over
of course there's certain things i wouldn't change at all
but there's a lot i would do differently
hmm
i can't keep doing this
i spend so much time looking back recently
the sooner i accept that it's gone, and that i can never change it, the sooner i can do now right
god, it scares me thinking i only have a year of uni left
can't help but wonder what on earth i'm gonna do with my life
someone make me rich?

what am i doing?
what do i want?

wish i had the answers