Of course I'm missing you

I'm not heartless
Just because i instigated this it doesn't mean it's any easier for me
It's hard
It feels so strange not talking to you
I can't help wondering what you've been up to, if you've had a good day, if you're okay
I still care
I'm trying to keep busy
Because when i'm not busy my head fills up with too many thoughts
I'm not enjoying this, but i still think it's right
What you need isn't always the same as what you want
I need this

I miss the sound of your voice though
And the feeling of being in your arms
I've still been thinking about the feeling of my skin on your skin
The feeling of your lips on my neck and your fingers elsewhere
I'm missing you, and part of me wants that closeness and intimacy
But then I know that although it might feel good at the time, it wouldn't fix my doubts, my worries
I would be happy in the moment but still unhappy after

I'm so comfortable with you
I will always crave intimacy with you
We know every part of each other so well
We know what we like, what works
We know the other's insecurities, but we love them for it regardless
There is no vulnerability when i'm with you
I feel comfortable, safe, i feel at home with you
And you make me feel attractive too, maybe even sexy sometimes
I rarely feel ugly when i'm with you

I feel ugly now

But i can't do that
I can't just give in because i miss you and it's whats 'comfortable' .... it's what's 'easy'
I love you so much, i always will
But i still have these doubts
I had them before, i have them now
And i will still have them until I sort my head out
I will still have them even if i give into my heart and talk to you
Even if (if i had the chance) I gave into my body and let myself touch you, and taste you
The doubt would still be there

It just doesn't feel right like it used to

......