EPIC FML

Last night was not worth it
Yeh it was nice going with Tom, it was cool to go to nottingham, and i guess it was cool to see Skrillex in the flesh... but it was not worth getting battered and bruised, smashing up my favorite pair of earrings, being absolutely soaked in sweat, being crushed and not being able to breathe, panicking and crying, feeling absolutely exhausted the next day and missing my only whole coursework day of the week for work that's due in in less than two weeks. Over all, kinda wishing i hadn't gone.... although, good points: got to spend the whole of today with tom which was rare and lovely and didn't have to face a whole double graphics lesson with TB... another subject I need to vent about........

I really can't handle this... i can't believe it's only been a week, it ridiculous how much i miss him, and i can't even understand why.... i'm not worried about him anymore, i see him all the time and he looks happy, and i'm happy with tom, so it's not a "i wanna be with him" type thing, and i've got plenty of work and friends to keep my occupied, so it's not like i have nothing else to do with my time but think about him... but however hard I try not to, I think about him all of the time...
And to make matters worse, I'VE STARTED DREAMING ABOUT HIM.... when things get in my dreams I know shit's bad... my dreams are usually absolute nonsense, i've come to realise that I only ever dream about issues in my actual life when shit is really serious.
Monday night I dreamt that I woke up and he was topless with me in bed and I was happy about it... it felt so real that I legit woke up expecting him to be there. Then dreamt about him again last night... didn't see him in this one.. instead I dreamt that I saw jenny writing a text to him saying "I can understand why you miss her, maybe you should try talking to her?"... again it seemed totally real, even after i woke up i had to seriously think about whether it had actually happened or not....and i'm so annoyed with myself for wanting to talk to him, for missing him and wanting him to miss me back. because I know that not talking is the best and only way for us, and I know that deep down I still have feelings for him and I hate myself for it, and i wish i could cope better with not talking... seeing him around college is the worst thing, especially when he catches me looking... I keep wishing I could just skip straight to summer and then he could fuck off to uni and i'd never have to see him again... yeh i'd still miss him, but not having to see him would make things a whole lot easier....
Anyway.... as if TWO dreams one after the other wasn't enough, tonight (after contemplating for a while whether to text him or not before deciding i must be strong) i got a "i still care about you" text off him. A FUCKING "I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU" TEXT. WHAT THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO SAY TO THAT!? And i can't not reply because that's just downright rude....AHHHH i don't know what to do with myself...

so depressed right now
and, just to make matters worse, tomorrow I have to go in to college first thing, I have to face him and my mountain of coursework, my tutor will be straight on my back about taking today off AND i have my january exam result which I know i've failed.. and i'm not even talking "omg i just know i've done so bad" *gets an A*... seriously, i have failed.
super duper fucking brilliant
the only thing that's making me feel slightly better is that I still have tom... if i lost him too right now i honestly don't know what i'd do.. i couldn't cope... and the thought of that scares me... it's already happened once before and I never want to feel that way again