tonight was odd...
T came round, and i was really excited since it was the first time in ages i'd got to see him cuz he had to go to oxford and stuff, but something just wasn't right.
Things were wierd between us - quiet, awkward almost... i didn't like it at all because it kind of confirmed my thoughts about us losing our spark... things were old and boring. we had nothing to say, nothing to do... we pretty much had tea, he helped me with some computer stuff and then we both sat separately (me on the bed, him on a chair) and looked at facebook on our own laptops... as if the other one wasn't even there.
It just kinda feels like there's no real love or friendship between us anymore, when we kiss it doesn't mean anything, doesn't make me feel anything. I want to feel a rush, a thrill, a spark when i kiss my partner, but i don't feel anything with him anymore.
But my problem is my serious jealousy issues i seem to have. I hate it. Even though I don't think we're right together anymore, even though i don't feel a spark there, and i could seriously consider not being with him, and even being with someone else, the thought of him being with someone else tears me apart... i wish it didn't but i just can't seem to shake it... and i think that's always been my problem, i can never seem to get over him, never cope with the idea of him being with someone else. It's just horrific to me. Like tonight he was telling me about the people he met, how 'cool' they all were, and then he showed me a picture of a (very pretty) girl and was like "Oh she looks just like P" (a girl from our old school who i know T has always fancied, he always said stuff about how attractive she was) and i instantly got worried and jealous... is she prettier/cooler than me? is she funnier than me? god, she's on the same course as T, she must be really clever, cleverer than me.... and immediately decided that he must have fallen for her and i get extremely jealous and upset that he's going to go off to uni and gonna be with this girl who's prettier, funnier and cleverer than i am and that he'll forget all about me. and i'll be stuck here, all alone, watching via facebook as he enjoys a whole new life with his new wonderful better-than-me girlfriend.
The thing that annoys me is that really, since i'm considering ending it, since i'm not sure how i feel about him anymore, and since i've thought about being with someone else, the whole above scenario shouldn't bother me. but it really does, it bothers me so so much. And that's what makes me think that i'm wrong. I must still love him otherwise i wouldn't care. I think the loves there, i just think it's got a bit lost :/
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