wow..

sorry about the past few posts :/
just late night arguments with my ex doing my head in :(

so i went out last night (got back at 12.30 but haven't really slept at all because i drank energy drink and now my body won't switch off :@)
it was wierdd, good but also not good...hmmm, i shall explain:
my friend had a party because 3 scousers she met on holiday were staying with her and she wanted us all to meet them (i will call her Jane for now)
... Anyway, i arrive and find out my ex is there (smoking weed outside of course. eurgh) ...even though he hadn't been invited.. and i'd spoken to him earlier that day and he hadn't mentioned he was going... so that puzzled me a little
... I got introduced to the scousers (they were a year older than us) and the one (i shall call him Pete) was really nice. He was good looking.. tall, slim but not skinny, with a lil facial hair (which was nice seeing as almost none of my guy friends are even shaving yet) and his eyes were.. i dunno, really captivating. that sounds cheesy but it's true. they were really bright blue which stood out against his dark hair. and he was really friendly.. we got talking and ended up flirting a little and i really enjoyed it... he was a really attractive guy and it was nice having him take an interest in me.. i actually quite liked him (shame he lives in liverpool)
... Anyway, it was really awkward because my ex had noticed and he kept following me round everywhere... i mean it was only flirting and i wasn't gonna act on it because i'm still in the "seeing each other in secret" thing with my ex.. obviously that's why he was following me round, i mean i understand, but i didn't like it at all... it made things awkward when i just wanted to have a bit of chat and harmless flirtation with Pete.. i mean it's not like i'm ever gonna see him again so it was the only chance i had
... I dunno, although i wasn't planning to act on my attraction to him (even if i hadn't been with my ex, since he had sorta been dibsed by Jane) but the whole 'ex-following-me-round' thing made me feel like i was being controlled.. and i didn't like it at all.
I still can't decided what i want... last night made me wanna be completely single.. but then when i think back to when i was, before i had this thing with my ex, i hated it and i just felt so unloved and alone all the time. i feel more confident now but i think that's only because i'm getting love off him :/ hmmm who knows... i guess i'll just carry on taking each day as it comes :/

Other stuffff:
- I get my results later today D: absolutely dreading it tbh :( i mean i really think i've done badly and i know i'll be disappointed in myself but the thing i'm dreading most is how disappointed in me my parents are gonna be. At school i was always so studious. I worked really hard and always put so much effort into all my work and exams because i wanted to do well, and i was pretty much a straight A student throughout school and in my GCSEs. I think my parents are just expecting a repeat of that and i know that's not gonna happen. And although A-levels are far more difficult than GCSE, i know i can't solely blame bad grades on that because i simply didn't put as much effort in as i could have :(

- maybe going to Looe tomorrow. He still hasn't asked his parents IF they can give us a lift, let alone what time we'd be going. I hope it's late tomorrow tbh... i need more time to catch up on this missed sleep... i might skip on the results night party/drinking tonight actually. i drank more than i was planning to last night and now the thought of drinking again makes me feel physically sick.. i might sleep away my sorrows instead of drowning them.

I might blog again later.. maybe about my results-induced self-pity... and i'll probably blog tomorrow if i go to Looe... now that my sleeping patterns completely messing up (i've had three nights of no sleep in the past 5 days) i have way more time for writing blogs!

Anywaysss, i'm actually gonna get up now (yes at 7.20 in the morning during the summer holidays) because i really can't sleep and i've actually got loads i need to do today before i leave the house at noon so i might as well get up and start doing stuff
Laterrr
E xxx