well that didn't help at all

i don't think anythings gonna help,
other than him changing his mind

how did we get here? why has it ended like this?
we were so in love
we seemed so perfect for each other
we had so many plans and dreams
we talked about so much
i really thought he was the one
and now i'm just feeling so stupid and naive

it's absolutely heartbreaking

i still want him more than anything else
i want what we used to have, i want the future we talked about about
but i want him to want me as much as i want him
i want him to want me all the time, not just over summer, not just when it's easy
i want him to want me when it's hard too
when things are really tough, when we haven't seen each other for a while, when he's feeling tempted or left out or under pressure, i want him to remember what we have, what we've had, all the memories we've made and all the memories we have yet to make, and i want him to remember that it's worth it.
I want the hard times to be worth fighting through for the good times we'll have together. For all the plans we made, for everything we talked about
I still think they are.. maybe i'm naive, maybe i'm too in love... but whatever it is, he doesn't think they are anymore
He doesn't even know if you wants me anymore... "i'd like to think it'd be you"
I feel so empty, so hurt
So unwanted

I honestly thought he was gonna change his mind
I thought he'd see what i see, i thought he'd remember how much we loved each other, i thought he'd turn around and tell me that i am worth it, that we're worth it
How stupid i am

I love him so so so much
Why can't he want me, us, as much as i do?
I feel like i've lost him
He's changed and his values have changed, or at least they seem to when he's at uni
That's the most frustrating thing in all of this
When we're home and together everything is lovely
And he's perfect and we talked like we used to and he still wants me, he still puts me first
And then he's goes back to uni and it's like he just forgets what a lovely weekend we had, like he forgets how much love we have
Oh i don't know
Of course i want to spend summer with him
It would be amazing
We'd go on our holiday, on walks, on adventures, on road trips and spend days together just lazing around in the sun
4 whole months of togetherness. Without anyone or anything getting in the way. Without complications, distractions, commitments. Just us. What could be more perfect than 4 months of just us?
But then what if he goes back to uni, and forgets it all again?
Pressure mounts back up, temptations appear again, we don't see each other for a couple of weeks, when we do we're stressed and things are tense.
He's just gonna go right back to feeling unhappy again, and he's not gonna want us anymore, he won't want me anymore. I can't do that, i couldn't cope.
I want a summer with him so so much, but i want our chilled weekends together when i can visit him, or when we can come home and spend till 3 in the morning talking, i want more movie nights, more meals together, another lord of the rings day, i want christmas together again... is that too much too ask? I want to be wanted all the time, not just when it's easy.


This really fucking hurts.