can't stop thinking about him

can't stop missing him
can't stop wanting him
can't stop loving him

so fed up
i have no motivation to do anything
i don't even want to leave my bed
.. i wish he was here with me
although, if he was, i wouldn't want us to waste it
i'd want us to make the most of our time together
go driving, anywhere, drive fast, windows down, music blaring, singing along
laughing, smiling, happy
go on an adventure, find somewhere to explore
go walking, somewhere new, somewhere quiet, just me and him, hand in hand
bake things, lots of new things, get it wrong but keep trying until we got it right
sit outside with our creations and stuff our faces
relax together in a food coma
lie with each other, just talking

...
thinking like this is torture
its so hopeless
i know i'm being pathetic
i keep getting angry at myself
'pull yourself together!'
'get up , dry your eyes and do something!'
but i can't
i'm so tired, all the time
i don't sleep properly at night
i can't switch these thoughts off
i can't switch my emotions off
it's exhausting keep getting so upset
i feel emotionally and mentally drained

i feel like i can't even text him
he's probably got other people he'd rather be talking to than me
he's busy, having a good time
i'm just his pathetically pitiful nuisance of an ex

Bikini shopping

Has got to be my number one, most depressing, most self esteem destroying activity ever

I mean I don't like my body at the best of times but I look especially awful in a bikini

As if my constant horrible hay fever, lack of motivation, lack of friends and broken heart wasn't already ruining my summer,

I now have "looking fucking disgusting in a bikini" to add to the list too.... 

Yay for me

Nothing to show

It tears me apart

I feel like I spent two and a half years of my life giving so much love, time and trust to one person only to be here

I have nothing to show for it

Apart from loneliness, jealous tendencies and the most painful of broken hearts

We made memories that I can't even bear to think about anymore

It hurts so much

I could cry all night if I let myself

I try so hard to keep it together

But I just don't know how to cope with this pain

Nighttime is always the worst

Lying in bed alone, with nothing but my thoughts

I wish I had an off switch sometimes 

Or even a restart button

Just don't wanna be here right now

I'm exhausted  

i can't breathe

my heart is racing
i feel sick
i've gone boiling hot
and feel like im gonna pass out

fuck him
and fuck her

he can fucking have her
he wanted her the whole time he was with me anyway
and now is his chance
now he actually can without me being able to say one word

all the fucking trouble she caused
the fact that because of her we broke up
yet he still likes her, he still wants her
it just proves that he doesn't want me
and the sooner i accept that, let him go and move on with my life the better
this is torturing me
i cant do it if he's gonna go for her
i just need to start distancing myself so that i can let go of him and try to move on
i'd fight for him but not if he doesn't want this anymore
and i definitely am not gonna compete against her
i've been fucking competing against her for the past year and a half
and it's clear who he wants now
i'm done

Feel like he's happier without me

And it hurts so much

I wish i'd never let him go
I wish none of this had ever happened
I just wish everything had been different

And all i wanna do is text him to tell him that i cant stop thinking about him and how much i miss everything about him, and love everything about him
But i cant because i just feel like i'm irritating him all the time
And because he doesn't feel the same as i do
I fear not seeing "i miss you too" or "i love you too" anymore
So its best for me to not to say them in the first place
Just keep it to myself

I feel so alone tonight
and so ugly
and worthless

Can't help but blame myself for everything
Can't help but think maybe this is what i deserve
I know i never deserved him him the first place
So maybe it should be this way
I'm getting the pain that i deserve
And he's happier, and free from me
Free to find someone better

Looking back doesn't even make me smile anymore
It only makes me breakdown and cry
I want those times again
I'd give anything to live those times again
There's are so many memories that should be wonderful
But all they do now is cause so much pain

I'm such a fucking idiot
I've lost him
I've pushed him away
I don't know how to accept the idea that we might not have another chance
That i might lose him completely
All my hope is gone
I feel so alone and so hopeless

I'm a complete and utter mess

Can't believe i fucking drunk texted him...

I'm such a fucking jealous dickhead

I need to lay off

I literally hate her guts

And all because he finds her attractive

It's so ridiculous 

Yeah you're right 

I did break it off

But why?

Because of fucking her 

Kaz

I practically spit her name 

I know it's unfair on her

But how can I not despise her

For she's the reason I had to give him up 

She came between us from the start

And he was weak enough to keep talking to her

And now because of her I've lost the one guy I could have imagined marrying

The one guy I wanted to spend my life with

Grow old with

Because of fucking kaz

I've lost him 

Fuck her

Fuck her

Fuck her 

And no matter how nice I try and dress

How good I feel

How many guys buy me drinks or give me attention 

At the end of the night I still end up alone and upset because the only attention I want is probably being given to her right now 

But yeah

I broke it off

So fuck my feelings 

Go fuck her

With her perfect fucking abs

And boobs 

At least you'll have what you missed out on with me

Ahhhhh

I hate her

But I hate myself more right now

And I don't even hate him a bit

it hurts

that he thinks this is so easy for me
it's so so hard
and it hurts so much
he has no idea how miserable i am
i've been putting on a brave face
but when i'm alone all i can do is try my hardest not to cry
but once i start i don't know how to stop
i'm sat here sobbing
uncontrollably
my eyes string
my head is banging
my cheeks are soaked
and all i want to do is crawl back into bed and shut out the world
sleep is meant to be an escape but i dream about him too
i don't know what to do
i feel broken