i do really wish i was going out tonight

i was so excited for this
but now i feel kinda shitty and it's super cold out and i'm supposed to be trying to save money :/
tbh, if it wasn't for Tom i'd still probably go but he doesn't want to and i know he'll be offended/disappointed if i chose going out over spending the night in with him
it's not that i'd rather be with my friends than him, or that i'd choose them over him, but i feel like i hardly see them anymore :/ i get very few chances to go out what with college and work but then the chances i do get i either pass up to spend the night in with him or go out but then stay glued to him the whole night. i know it's my own fault really, but i don't want to look like i'm choosing my friends over him because i know it would hurt him. but tbh, as much as i do love him sometimes i wish i could just go out with the girls/with my friends without him now and again :/
i was gonna go stay with sm and have a night out with her but now it looks like nothing is happening because it's half term :(
i'm really hoping that we all can have a night out in stourbridge on Thursday, we'll see

I've decided that i'm gonna make a real effort this easter on go out with my friends because i didn't over xmas and i felt really bad :/ I need to start balancing my time up between people. i can't keep bailing on my friends to see Tom, i'm gonna have to start bailing out on Tom sometimes to see my friends. Especially over Easter because they'll all be back from Uni and i'll only have that 2 week window to see them, i can see Tom anytime. That might sound flippant but i'm really worried that i'm going to lose them. I love my friends and i don't want to be that girl who stops seeing her friends when she has a boyfriend and i'm worried that's what i've become :(

might talk to Tom about it if i get the chance.... :/

my head will not stop hurting

i've had this headache for two days now, and it hurts like hell, and now i've got a fever too
starting to think i've got a brain tumor or something and i might just drop dead at any second
and Tom's being weird
and i've got my assessment first thing tomorrow but i haven't done my work so i've got to stay up late and do it before i can go to sleep :(
hmph

sometimes i wonder why i spend all day in my room...

then i go downstairs..

i love not making much effort for college

because then when i do people notice more :)
got so many compliments on my hair today after sleeping in pin curls and then wearing it kind of 1940s/victory rolls style
Tom said i looked gorgeous too :)) hehe

i love Tom to pieces but he can be so unfair...

i posted that one photo of ash whats-his-face and he went into a massive sulk, then got all upset being all like "it makes me feel so unattractive when you post photos of guys like that because they have tattoos and better bodies and slicked back hair... etc etc"
i made the point about him reading Front and posting pictures of Arabella and other girls like that and he was all like "that's totally different, they're just crushes, they're world famous i'm never gonna have a chance with them, there are loads of tattooed guys at college and at zombie prom"
... the annoying thing is that it works exactly the other way too - Ash blahblahblah (i should really learn his surname) is just a crush, he's world famous and i'd never have a chance with him, there are loads of super hot tattooed girls at college and at zombie prom too - i tried to make the point but he just doesn't see it at all. he just doesn't understand that it works both ways.

and then after alll that only two days ago today he goes and posts this picture of Katy Perry. i mean for fucks sake. how is that fair!? i post a picture of a hot celebrity and he gets upset but he doesn't think twice about him posting one... even after the points i made (or at least tried to make the other day)
luckily (especially since i'm not crazy hormonal anymore) it doesn't really bother me. with guys being guys i've kind of got used to the fact that they are always gonna have pictures of hot naked girls, i'm secure enough knowing that he loves me so that's not what's bothering me, it's the injustice of it all. i basically can't post any pictures of any guys without it bothering Tom yet Tom obviously doesn't see any problem in posting semi naked pictures of women as and when he pleases - how is that fair? he must not doesn't think twice about it, especially since he knows i'm extremely insecure about my boobs so this particular photo would get to me if i wasn't so tolerant. i've had to get used to the idea of him looking at and lusting over other women so why can't he get used to the idea of me doing the same to other men? is that really unfair of me to ask?

crying headaches are the worst

so fed up

there just seems to be some kind of problem, some drama or upset every day
it's like we can't just have more than a day where we're really happy and nothing goes wrong
there's always something that causes a sulk or a mood or an argument
and it makes me sad :(
i'm so fed up because i really do love him and i want us to be happy together, but it doesn't seem to be working very well :(
starting to think we need to postpone booking our trip and sort ourselves out first... :/

*sigh*
super glum :( definitely don't feel like going out tomorrow now :/
gonna go to bed and hope that i feel better in the morning, got a horrible feeling i won't though...
ooooo :(