why does love cause so much pain
is it really all worth it?
and why did i have to fuck everything up?
i fucking hate myself
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Monday, 16 August 2010
way out in the morning sun...
- the weathers been lovely recently :) - we had a thunderstorm on saturday! :D eeeeeee :D i love thunderstorms :D and then yesterday and today have been really sunny and warm, like a proper summer :)
- me and the ex are closer recently, been spending more time together.
The other night we lay out in the garden and watched a meteor shower <3
And, i've gotta be honest, we've been having some really good sex :P haha :) not much foreplay though... although the sex makes up for it :) ...i really like it now because in the past, when we were together i always had a much higher sex drive than he did... i'd get really frustrated over it... but now, i dunno, he's changed and now our sex drives seem to match more :) the other day, we hadn't had sex in a week (which isn't much - we've gone a month and more in the past!) and he was like "we haven't had sex in agesss".. haha made me laugh.. made me happy too though cuz i felt exactly the same :P
-Anywayy, he has a house down in Looe (in Cornwall) that we went to when we were together this time last year, and on Friday i'm going down there again :) i love it down there, it's so nice, especially being with there with him.. just the two of us in a place away from everybody else... some of my best memories of being with him are from when we went to Looe together.
I'm really really looking forward to it :) The only thing is that, like i said, i know this situation isn't going to last for much longer, we're not together (even though it feels like it more recently) and niether of us want to be together so i honestly don't know what's gonna happen...but it's gonna end soon, and i'm worried that going to Looe will cause me to get more attached to him.. i don't know if i'd be able to cope with that :/
But i'd still rather go and end up hurting more than not go at all, just for the happiness it'll give me in the short term and i'll have more memories with him :)
Looe to do list:
A few things we did last year :)
- Go to the awesome Mexican restaurant there :D
- Have a banana spilt and cornwall's famous fish and chips and their ice cream (with sprinkles)
- Go crab fishing
- Go to the arcade
Wanna try some new stuff too :)
- Go to the dodgy night club? haha
- Go shark spotting? Depends how expensive it is...
- And late night sex on the beach of course :P
I'll let you know how it goes... might blog while i'm there if i have chance :)
E xxx
- me and the ex are closer recently, been spending more time together.
The other night we lay out in the garden and watched a meteor shower <3
And, i've gotta be honest, we've been having some really good sex :P haha :) not much foreplay though... although the sex makes up for it :) ...i really like it now because in the past, when we were together i always had a much higher sex drive than he did... i'd get really frustrated over it... but now, i dunno, he's changed and now our sex drives seem to match more :) the other day, we hadn't had sex in a week (which isn't much - we've gone a month and more in the past!) and he was like "we haven't had sex in agesss".. haha made me laugh.. made me happy too though cuz i felt exactly the same :P
-Anywayy, he has a house down in Looe (in Cornwall) that we went to when we were together this time last year, and on Friday i'm going down there again :) i love it down there, it's so nice, especially being with there with him.. just the two of us in a place away from everybody else... some of my best memories of being with him are from when we went to Looe together.
I'm really really looking forward to it :) The only thing is that, like i said, i know this situation isn't going to last for much longer, we're not together (even though it feels like it more recently) and niether of us want to be together so i honestly don't know what's gonna happen...but it's gonna end soon, and i'm worried that going to Looe will cause me to get more attached to him.. i don't know if i'd be able to cope with that :/
But i'd still rather go and end up hurting more than not go at all, just for the happiness it'll give me in the short term and i'll have more memories with him :)
Looe to do list:
A few things we did last year :)
- Go to the awesome Mexican restaurant there :D
- Have a banana spilt and cornwall's famous fish and chips and their ice cream (with sprinkles)
- Go crab fishing
- Go to the arcade
Wanna try some new stuff too :)
- Go to the dodgy night club? haha
- Go shark spotting? Depends how expensive it is...
- And late night sex on the beach of course :P
I'll let you know how it goes... might blog while i'm there if i have chance :)
E xxx
Sunday, 8 August 2010
and the love kickstarts again..
lifes alright atm :)
last week was good :)
party on the monday
gig at an awesome venue in Brum on wednesday.. with free chili con carne with nachos and cheese! :D mmmm, i only went for the free food tbh :P
i stayed at my ex's both nights :/
i guess we're 'seeing each other' atm.. which is odd.. i'm not sure if i like it or not
i mean, i love being with him, hanging out at his, watching movies, being able to cuddle in his bed, do other stuff with him :P it's nice... and now i don't have the problem of feeling unloved or unwanted
but i'm worried about getting attached to him again... this situation isn't gonna last forever, probably only another couple of weeks i should think :/ i don't wanna feel like i've lost him again...i'm worried because if it wasn't for this situation i would never see him.. we have completely different friend groups now :( i would hate never seeing him
and i kind of want some of the single life too... as far as i was concered, the thing between me and him was just a bit of fun.. i mean it's all a big secret, no-one knows... so i thought when we weren't together we were single...
i got with a guy on monday night.. when i told my ex he was so angry, it felt like i'd cheated on him...
so we discussed things and he made it clear that he hasn't been getting with other girls and he felt as though the situation was more like a relationship... but it's not :/ he made me feel awful because he said "aren't i enough to make you happy?"... he is, kind of, i dunno, i really don't love him like i used to :/ but more than that, he would be enough but in a relationship.. atm we're sneaking around, keeping it from everyone, and we both know it's gonna end soon, so it's nothing like a relationship.. and more than that, i don't want a relationship with him....
maybe i want to be a single girl... but then i was that, and i just ended up feeling unloved and lonely :/
i don't know what i want
ahh well, seeing him tomorrow... i guess i'll just see how things go, and i'll try not to get too attached.
byeee, might report tomorrow afternoon.. going shopping :D i'll inform you if i buy anything interesting
E xxx
p.s. i dyed my hair blonde :) not sure if i like it though.. probably go back to brown next week
last week was good :)
party on the monday
gig at an awesome venue in Brum on wednesday.. with free chili con carne with nachos and cheese! :D mmmm, i only went for the free food tbh :P
i stayed at my ex's both nights :/
i guess we're 'seeing each other' atm.. which is odd.. i'm not sure if i like it or not
i mean, i love being with him, hanging out at his, watching movies, being able to cuddle in his bed, do other stuff with him :P it's nice... and now i don't have the problem of feeling unloved or unwanted
but i'm worried about getting attached to him again... this situation isn't gonna last forever, probably only another couple of weeks i should think :/ i don't wanna feel like i've lost him again...i'm worried because if it wasn't for this situation i would never see him.. we have completely different friend groups now :( i would hate never seeing him
and i kind of want some of the single life too... as far as i was concered, the thing between me and him was just a bit of fun.. i mean it's all a big secret, no-one knows... so i thought when we weren't together we were single...
i got with a guy on monday night.. when i told my ex he was so angry, it felt like i'd cheated on him...
so we discussed things and he made it clear that he hasn't been getting with other girls and he felt as though the situation was more like a relationship... but it's not :/ he made me feel awful because he said "aren't i enough to make you happy?"... he is, kind of, i dunno, i really don't love him like i used to :/ but more than that, he would be enough but in a relationship.. atm we're sneaking around, keeping it from everyone, and we both know it's gonna end soon, so it's nothing like a relationship.. and more than that, i don't want a relationship with him....
maybe i want to be a single girl... but then i was that, and i just ended up feeling unloved and lonely :/
i don't know what i want
ahh well, seeing him tomorrow... i guess i'll just see how things go, and i'll try not to get too attached.
byeee, might report tomorrow afternoon.. going shopping :D i'll inform you if i buy anything interesting
E xxx
p.s. i dyed my hair blonde :) not sure if i like it though.. probably go back to brown next week
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Argghh
I really need to get of the house.
I hate this.
I hate living here :(
It's so difficult all the time.
I can't even pop into town or anything.
I'm getting so fucking fed up of it atm.
It's bad enough usually, but in summer, when everyones out every day and every night, it's so annoying. I can't just go out when i want, where i want, and come back when i want. It's only if my parents are free and if they say ok, which is hardly ever! I miss out on everything :(
I can't cope with staying in all the time. I get so bored. Especially when i see that everyone else is out having a good time.
I hate feeling like this.
I feel like i'm wasting my life away.
I just wanna get out! :'(
I hate this.
I hate living here :(
It's so difficult all the time.
I can't even pop into town or anything.
I'm getting so fucking fed up of it atm.
It's bad enough usually, but in summer, when everyones out every day and every night, it's so annoying. I can't just go out when i want, where i want, and come back when i want. It's only if my parents are free and if they say ok, which is hardly ever! I miss out on everything :(
I can't cope with staying in all the time. I get so bored. Especially when i see that everyone else is out having a good time.
I hate feeling like this.
I feel like i'm wasting my life away.
I just wanna get out! :'(
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